Have a think about some of the usual things that you have to do as a youth worker to prioritise your own self care if you’re working for an organisation, especially a church, they are often things like

Time Management, Boundaries, Valuing your own time, Setting good priorities, Saying ‘No’, delegating.

They are said alot. In the Twitter chat on self care, week one, most of these were mentioned. Not only I have mentioned them before, but Jenni on her excellent podcast has too, here    ~In my previous post I raise the question of Codependancy in youth workers,   (there is also more on my other blog, see the link above) What im asking here is whether the likelihood of codependancy is increased in church settings by the culture, and teachings in churches.

I wonder if theres a pattern  because quite a number of the things that are emphasised in the ongoing self care of youthworkers, are the same in the situation of not only domestic abuse, but also in the recovery from Codependency.

Its almost as if churches create the same kind of environments in which the default working pattern within is a form of codependency. (I think things are changing, but maybe not quick enough)

I cant imagine it was just me to be a ‘people pleasing’, sensitive, empathetic type of person, who would help others, that found themselves accepted in roles in churches, only to become over worked, over burdened by other peoples problems, and taking almost no time for myself. Maybe it was. But I dont think so.

Might the issue be the whole culture and system of faith /church groups, that have a high degree of power and influence that stretches into emotional and spiritual power, and this can be used to manipulate and guilt trip the youthworker into practices such as ‘always being available’ , ‘doing 60 hours a week for Lord (and no time for themselves)’ , ‘trying to fix or solve the young people’ – let alone the sense that churches and groups get very celebratory when ‘young people progress’ – this too can have an effect on the youthworker. Their own identity wrapped up in the progress of young people, or being able to fix them, so that others can glory in it.

other things like this:

I do think things are changing. I remember even in my gap year in the late nineties, that my manager then would be encouraging time off, and saying no – what I didnt realise is how much I couldn’t do these things. I couldn’t say no, I couldn’t stop. In short my codependancy was being revealed, not that I knew it at the time.

Things might be changing, but that might just be in the circles I’m in. But as a supervisor Im constantly trying to tell people that they are doing enough, that they can take time off, that they dont have to try and fix everything. And for some that they might reflect on whose needs they are trying to solve, their own as a youth worker, or the young persons. Who is the needy one?

So then I think, theres a real short term advantage for a church or organisation to employ a co-dependent youth or community worker. They’ll get 18 months over work than burnout. I used to think burnout was about lack of ideas, maybe more telling its when codependancy turns to emotional meltdown, over committing, undertaking the needs of so many, having no boundaries and controlling through trying to fix the lot of them. They are almost good qualities in enthusiastic yet dangerous youth ministry staff worker, aren’t they?  Thats until they undertake their often own test of repairing the mess that they were encouraged to be in. By starting to say no. By valuing their time off. By reflecting on empowerment. By thinking about self care.

And im sure it’s not deliberate, but not many youth workers are in it for the money, and often they dont think ‘they’re doing enough’ – when often its more than enough.

But all those self care, boundary things seem like hard work dont they?. Almost they go against the cultural flow of the way that organisations are set up, or the way of expectations. You are the youthworker, you are expected to do……or not rest until….Is this a recipe for increased codependency in youth ministry?. Probably.

I will also say however, that it may not be ‘the church as a professional organisation’ that caused the codependency in the first place, that could be there from childhood trauma, or even childhood experiences of faith, in which trusting other things or people other than themselves, or being brought up to serve others first, and ignore the self, please others,

Even if churches dont actively seek to reduce co-dependency in their staff, then they’re likely to be encouraging the same over working, over stretching, possibly neediness in the youthworker, where they have to be parachuted in to perform the kind of miracles no one else wants to, doing so to respond to the continuing needs of others. Sacrificing their own hours, their own time, their own value, for young people, ‘ministry’ and serving the church.

It is the responsibility of the church, and the line management of youth workers to address their emotional health. Its not just up to the youthworker on their own to do this, especially if its counter cultural in the organisation. If it takes a whole village to raise a child, then it takes a whole church to raise and flourish young people. If its the cause of the burnout of youth workers then it isnt working. If its a hot bed of codependency then young people are going to lose out with non self aware youth workers. And I thought I was.

If they have a tendency to over work, feel guilt, feel like they are trying to meet others needs – and, cant relax, struggle to take time off, have issues with boundaries, loving themselves, seeing themselves as important.  The likelihood is that youth workers in many roles are also learning themselves about who they are too.

Society is filled with invitations to be codependent

Writes Melody Beattie in her book ‘Beyond Codependency’.. and crucially, if we dont get invited, we may actually invite ourselves. The tendency to be the rescuer. The tendency to want to fix. The tendency to control. The tendency to value others higher than ourselves. To help, where help isn’t actually needed.  Most of this could be the work plan for the first year youth/community worker in a church. Doing everything, racing around like the Duracell bunny, The passionate, enthusiastic.. dare I say it liable to be co-dependant youthworker?

So, this is why good management is important in youth work. Id also hope its why churches and youth workers might take issues of emotional health, boundaries, trauma informed practice and codependency are crucial in the ongoing ministry of churches. This isnt for the youthworkers to be educated on, its for those who govern them. It may also be for those who govern clergy and ministers too. Its not just youth workers who suffer from this.

If a youthworker acted as if they were valuable, and not desperate (to please, to be liked, to be a hero) – what might that look like? 

What do you think?   Do churches encourage codependency in their staff, employed or voluntary?

thoughts below… and also – what might help to change it?

 

References

Beyond Codependency- Melody Beattie

Codependent no more – Melody Beattie