Category: Youthwork Methods

Why it might be good to ‘let children play’

On By JamesIn Context, Detached youthwork, Youth ministry, Youthwork, Youthwork Methods1 Comment

What was the happiest memory for you as a child? 

Or, if you’re a parent; What was something you loved to do, really loved to do, that you don’t let your own children do?

Was it out playing with your friends? Some of mine were kicking a ball around, scoring a goal, bmx’ing, wide games around the village until it was dark – but what about you?

Did you go on adventures?, play make believe, create stories, hide and seek?

I know when I stopped playing, it was when free play was sacrificed for ‘paid’ playing, and academic work at school took more focus, and even ‘fun’ stuff was in the supervision of adults, whether it was the church youth group, swimming club or scouts. Fun free play was reserved for Saturdays. 

Even looking back to my own experience I can notably remember how focussed and serious I had to become, (this was mostly a survival thing), fun felt frivolous, and achieving was more important. But I do know that I had a good few years of free play, in the parks, on bikes around the roads, and on other times I went on bike rides alone.

As a youth worker I would create ‘fun’ activities, like games that were meant to ‘help’ young people to learn something, like communication or team building, it was forced, it was cringe, and I felt uncomfortable doing it, it was if this kind of ‘fun’ in a scheduled supervised controlled way was what was expected of ‘Christian youth group’ - what did it do – create compliance, not creativity. It was ‘fun’ but almost like how adults have ‘fun’ , or how I had ‘learned’ to teach fun.

That world is gone, isn’t it.

Well, it isn’t quite. But maybe it has been gone for a while.

I noticed it when I was a detached youth worker in Perth from 2006 onwards, it was gone then. There was barely any children under 11 out kicking a ball around the parks, playing on swings or being in groups around. Yes, there were older ones in town, gathering to, well, gather at times, and because it was fun/dangerous/a place to drink – but the sight of young people, especially younger ones at a park was rare, and if it happened there would be a reaction that ‘they seemed young’ or ‘might there be a problem’ or ‘is there a risk that this child is out playing?’

I also noticed it as it was something that felt uncommon for my own kids to do, it was even more difficult when Nintendo DS’s were pleaded for and then purchased, CBBC programmes encouraged kids to play and ‘go outside’ and explore, on planes or adventures, yet held the attention of kids to ‘stay inside’

Yet in a fascinating way, being a detached youth worker also meant being in a space as an adult in which then loose supervision occurs, for if young people were desperate to be away from adults, for their own good and choice, then detached work could often send these young people to the more marginal hidden areas, or somewhere else. Yet, it was also par for the course that I would want to have ‘engagement’ with young people in this way, it might’ve been better not to be there at all, be even less visible.

Many more park benches were empty than they were full.

Even in more recent experiences, there was a growing reduction in young people accessing the ‘MUGA’s’ or imported football games that were in parks, even in the more ‘poorer’ areas where football was regular and common for endless months and weeks.

One of the things that has shrank in the last 20 years is the space for children to play, play unsupervised and unstructured, whether this is in the park, in schools, in youth clubs or in churches – completely across the board. Unstructured play is out, subscription adult supervised clubs are in. YES THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, I AM STATING THE OBVIOUS.

And it has been lost at a cost. A serious one.

Play is good for children. I’ll rephrase this. Play is almost hard wired into every child. It’s as human an activity as the proverbial chimp baby exploring the wildness of the jungle floor. Play is creativity, play creates community, play encourages emotional and social development, not just physical, play is also good for brain development, play encourages learning and also attention… play is learning.

Imagine being a child growing up in a world in which your entire day, from 7am to 8pm is directed by nothing you want to do, but by what adults want you to do? How do you find meaning in this? in always doing what someone else finds important? If you aren’t given the opportunity to freely discover the moments of joy and happiness, or adrenaline or spark – then is it likely that you’re going to find meaning?

Might this be a reason why the early twenties/late teens of today are generation sensible? The Nintendo DS generation?

There is no difference between the glazed over face of the addicted gambler on the fruit machines of vegas to the Childs eyes on their electronic screens, and mine are the same too on the BBC sport live text feed, or something similar. It’s not just children, it is all of us.

However, once we realise this; What might it mean then, as educators, youth workers, parents even, to let ‘children play’?

Maybe there are more schools than I have experience of or research of that are encouraging ‘free play’ – so thats good , and groups like www.letgrow.org are pilotting free play time in the school days and evenings, with remarkable results. More at this article here

Play is something we grew out of as adults, but as adults we could now have the choice to help children grow back into, even if there are what feels a million pressures and voices fighting against the urge. The world is far far safer, and cleaner (thanks to unleaded petrol) than it was in the mid 1980s let alone the 1960s.

The book I am reading at the moment (Stolen Focus, Johann Hari, 2022) is not the first one to be reminding me of the need for play, but it is revealing to me the limiting and worrying effects on children by their lack of free play, such as imagination, creativity, attention and also becoming self masters and competent.

It often felt risky just to let young people have space to be. It was if they couldn’t be trusted. Yet it would be no surprise when they were asked ‘ what do you want to do this term?, was greeted with ‘nothing’.. young people organised and shepherded all their lives are going to struggle to believe that they can have a voice, an opinion about what they want , and have it believed. So why bother. It’s what they were used to.

The opposite of this is the example in ‘Poverty Safari’ where young people who do say ‘they want a place to go and chat’ have this place sanitised, commodified and evaluated for its soft skills and employability. (if the youth club is still open)

Im reminded in a bizarre way of the story of Dibs, in Dibs and the search for Self. In this treasure of a book, Dibs is ‘given’ all the toys in the world, but only strict/cold parenting, is locked in a basement, full of toys, and displays behaviour that reminiscent of a caged animal when at school, angry, lashing out, distracted, unfocussed. The account, written by Virginia Axline shows how a safe space to play, with no judgement, no paternal guidance, gave Dibs the opportunity to draw, create, play and show significant intelligences and awareness throughout. I wonder, and it may be a huge leap – but this story showed how much both parents and children needed to be supported to understand how to love and communicate. I wonder, 60 odd years later, what it might mean for instead of being locked and trapped in rooms with toys, the forces that dictate and shape ‘play’ and ‘parenting’ are the tech companies, whose prime motivation is maintaining attention (and making money from such attention).

One American study found a diminishing locus of control among children, meaning they increasingly feel their lives are being determined by others.

Rutger Bregman, Humankind, 2020

You can’t teach creativity, you have to let it blossom

Peter Grey, 2013 (The Play Deficit)

The flaws in the world, in regard to giving children time and the opportunity to play are largely those we have created and permitted to be created. Children and Young people have needs, they also have gifts too. It is our job as parents, as educators to create environment where these needs can be met, and their tiny steps of creativity can be fertilised, and blossomed.

There might be a reason why ‘the box’ more than the toy inside the box is more fun for a child, that box has open space and creativity, it could be a hiding place, a den or a fort, it could have wheels, it could house teddy bears. Trust me, I used to hate this, when as parent id spent £xx on a toy, and had expectations of how it was about to bring joy, it did, eventually, maybe in mid January, but the box captivated in the immediate.

The very creativity that a child hasn’t been able to develop, might be the very thing the next generation needs.

If Depression is the number one disease (according to WHO) – then our biggest shortfall isn’t in our bank account, or budget sheet, but inside ourselves. It’s a shortage of what makes life meaningful. A shortage of play. (Bregman)

Children learn best when left to their own devices, what could we do in 2024 to push for more play spaces, to push against the tide of the dominance of the screen on play time. What might you and I do as adults to embrace play in our own lives? That free play once again?

What might we (youth workers, family workers, community workers, parents, teachers) do to provide where possible ‘free’ play space, trusting it and giving children and young people this valuable space? What might this look like, and the benefit of this be into 2024..?

References

Stolen Focus, Johan Hari, 2022

Humankind, Rutger Bregman, 2020

Dibs in search of self, Axline 1964

Poverty Safari, Darren McGarvey, 2017

Play based learning can set your child up for success

The importance of play

Change starts with ourselves.

On By JamesIn Context, Youth ministry, Youthwork, Youthwork MethodsLeave a comment

I make no apology for not writing as much on here recently, as what I have written about a lot of has been about my inner experiences, self discovery and learning, and whilst in the past I have written about some more personal things on this blog in the past, ive put all of this on my other blog which is linked here. The latest over there is about the futility of trying to be good..in order to be liked. This applies to youth/community work practice, as much as it does just being human.

It made me realise that there is such a crossover between what Ive learned for ‘myself’ and how it applies in practice, that I should write more here on some of the same topics.

So here goes.

Do you remember the old joke, the one about youth/community workers and changing the lightbulb?

How many does it take?

100.

1 to change the bulb, and 99 to sit around writing articles on coping in the darkness.

Its best to sit in the crowds isn’t it. And be the 99.

Powerless to make anything happen, and just write.

Passive, and hoping that words alone, submitting in a peer review, or a blog might make a difference.

I realised that it didnt. I realised that I got stuck.

Oh look how self congratulatory this sounds. Look at me.

its far far messier than this, I promise you.

I was stuck. Trapped. Addicted even.

And I so so loved writing words into the darkness, here or on social media. Keep the swirl alive by adding fuel to it, cynicism, sarcasm, irony and the rest. Satire being the tool of the powerless, and I lapped this up, Friday nights ‘The Last Leg’ was on repeat.

All the time positioning myself as the helpless victim, to identify with the young people, or communities I ‘served’. Feeling trapped too in a damaging relationship in which at one point I felt I had no options.

Though I did start to notice something.

I had a disastrous experience completing an MA in Durham, which I basically completed in the midst of emotional trauma, in a shell like capacity – only survival instinct keeping me going. Yet during that time my tutor Pete Ward looked me in the eye and suggested that ‘ You’re not thinking that a youth worker is also a victim are you’. When I think I was writing about youthworkers and their managers..or lack of. I didnt have the emotional capacity or tools to be able to respond to Pete then. It was the first time this thought clicked in me….

But what did this mean – to ‘not’ be a victim.

Fast forward a few years, and I am delivering ‘Young Peoples Challenging Behaviour’ training to my good friends Dave and Jen Johnson in Byker , Newcastle. They are true heroes and I love them. I regularly showed up at their churches and did some training for them, sometimes utterly beknownst to them, masking some pretty horrid stuff. But I realised, and I know it sounds obvious now, that ‘we’ as youth/community workers need to look in own mirror at young peoples challenging behaviour, yes it might be as a result of a young persons trauma, but it can be triggered by our own woundedness, our own competence, or something we are doing, consciously or unconsciously.

At the same time as delivering this training. I had started Therapy. I was also reading books about manipulative behaviour, and its patterns. Many of the books said the following, echoed by the group of supportive friends I had at the time.

Only you can change, and cause those around you to change their behaviour. (or for it to be revealed)

In a youth work setting its too easy a get out of jail card to play, stating that the challenging behaviour by young people will change when they change.

the same is true for organisations and churches too.

As a youth worker I would have loved it if my local churches took youthwork seriously, funded it correctly and gave it good management. But what then? and… what was I actually doing about it at the time to encourage that to happen? This isn’t to blame myself looking back.

Blaming others, or waiting for others to change alleviates me to take any responsibility.

Responsibility that I could take to change my actions and behaviour.

Which ultimately is all I have power over to control.

Ive write about the Victim triangle before, but there’s also the Adlerian Triangle.

There is always a choice. And we have a lot more power than we think.. And it is allowed to be used, thats what I needed to learn and discover for myself. The situation can change.. but only if I change myself – and not wait for others to change.

The situation was unlikely to change if I wallow in my self pity (Poor Me)

Or blame the system, the church, the young people, their parents, education systems, anything… (The ‘bad’ guy)

I, instead had to made changes about my behaviour myself.

And it meant digging deep.

Now I get that its not always possible, if the situation hasn’t changed and you’ve ran out of options, a choice might to ‘get out’, to erect boundaries – but these are also behavioural changes you are making, for your own good, and thats a good thing, trust me. but…

Let me give you an example.

I often hear a version of the following.

Sometimes, there just doesn’t go a day when there isn’t a text or message from a (parishioner/church sub group/young person/colleague) interrupting my evening at 9pm, its non stop, and this happens on my day off too.

What might be responses to this scenario – and can you see how the ‘poor me’ / ‘the bad guy’ thing is playing out here?

The additional problem here is that of the person sharing this might actually be enjoying that they are feeling needed, valued and important at 9pm on those evenings, thats another aspect too. It may be that this attention is secretly liked, which is why its not changed, just publicly complained about. ‘look at me being available but pretending to complain’

But how could this be changed? if the person actually wanted to change.. Just change behaviour. The action of switching off the work/mobile phone at 8pm, is going to stop the messages, as it muting the chat or not responding at first. It does sound simple, in a way.

The person sending the text, soon realises that they didnt get a response, or only a ‘grey tick’ – next day at the church meeting their feelings will often be revealed… ‘I notice you didnt get my message’ or ‘ it seemed odd to me that you didnt respond when I wanted you too’.

See how the other person has to change, and/or reveals their response to the change. It is by acting that change happens.

But its amazing that when you see this pattern, its hard not to notice it in many places.

Especially when waiting for someone or something else to change… a change that will seemingly result in my betterment, ease, well being or happiness. Sadly thats not life golden ticket.

Ive sat so often in organisations and churches in which there is a deep desire to change (yes honestly), but the desire is that someone elses responsibility to the changing.

If only the congregation would change.

If only the minister would change

If only the youth worker would change

If only society would change (back to the 1960’s).

If only….

And if they did… would it make any one actually happy?

It may be crude but individuals expecting other people to change without doing anything themselves, is like the spouse of an addict waiting for the addict to change without realising their emotional crutch on something out of their control. This is Co-dependency.

I get that this might be crude, but for some belonging and identifying with a faith group or organisation can have addictive qualities, given the deep roots and sense of emotional connection. Addicted to Jesus, thats what Carman sang back in the early 1990’s and evangelical youth ministry kids like me lapped this up. So I get it. Being Obsessed by God was the cry of Delirious 10 years later.

Read Co-dependent No more by Melody Beattie to reflect on the codependent dynamic, of the ‘poor me/victim/ waiting for their addict to change.

I guess ive laboured the point now.

But I realised that only I could change. I had to. There were phone calls I made that made me vulnerable, there was power within me that I had to access, there was breaking I needed to do, and I could change. Just me, myself. And, it was hard work, very hard work.

I had to see myself different, love and value myself (at all), and become more aware.. and its been and continues to be a long long rewarding path, of self improvement, self love and compassion.

Even if it upsets people. Yes. Even if it upsets people. Its likely too, because it means that they have to change too. Our lesser availability might encourage self – reliance, in the phone call example above. Our non tolerance of something destructive might reveal behaviour.

This isn’t about changing to be demonstrative or destructive, just for clarification. It was about realising that real change starts from ourselves.

I realised, only I could change myself… and then expect others to change around me. It was all I had the power to change, and to be honest.. that in itself after many years of learned codependent behaviour from trauma.. was hard enough.

Thank you for reading, I may write a few more pieces on this blog in the next few weeks, a cross over of learning from self help into youth work and community work, do leave a comment or like below, id love your feedback on this kind of thing.

Confessions of a young youth minister (3) The Funky chicken assembly.

On By JamesIn Discipleship, Mission, Youthwork MethodsLeave a comment

Have you ever heard the song ‘The Funky Chicken’?

Whats that you say?

I mean – Have you heard the song the funky chicken?

Well let me hear your funky chicken..

It may still be sung now, or variants of it, but back in 1996, this was one of the ‘songs’ that was part of the collective spirit of my Oasis Frontline gap year. It wasn’t an anthem, we didn’t take it that far, but, it was one of those fun songs that we all learned in the training and developed in a number of ways.

It goes like this… best sung in a circle in a group of about 20

Let me see your funky chicken, whats that you say?

Let me see your funky chicken, whats that you say?

I said let me see your funky chicken…

And cue a mass of bodies flapping pretend wings around, making appropriate chicken noises and until someone shouts

‘Let me see your_______’

And then other verses were added as created by participants – like ‘praying nun’ ‘jumping kangaroo’ ‘slow moving snail’ ‘energetic windmills’ – and the rest…

So, that was the funky chicken, and all would have been fine… All that is except that we as a team had the ONE opportunity to do a High school assembly in the entire year, to promote our upcoming christian union, and what did we decide to do, to try and be ‘cool’ and ‘fun’?

Yes, you guessed it.

In front of a group of 150 year 8-9’s.

We decided to go full weird and ‘do’ the funky chicken.

Getting them on their feet, singing it in front of them, trying to teach them the song, and pray they might join in, then find us funny, and cool..

I think it was only us doing funky chicken moves in the first verse… not going well

Throwing sweets at them in the third verse helped ‘let me see your boiled sweets’ – but we may have injured a few people as the boiled sweets landed

We could tell it was going badly half way through the second verse, but like good seasoned performers, weren’t giving up, we were committed, and trying desperately to get some audience participation and contributions by then.

There was a few shocked looks on the faces of the teachers.

And pupils in the back rows some falling over each other trying to take part and yes, it was carnage. For others it was met with stoic non moving and pupils who didnt know whether they had permission to even move.

Thankfully my memory protects me from remembering all the different verses we used. But we thought we were amazing. We thought that by making such an impression we could get loads of the pupils to the christian union the following lunchtime. By hoping that they thought we were cool, and that by default ‘God’ was cool, they would be interested in coming to a group like this.

How many people turned up? guess…

6.

And all of then were the kids we saw at church already. We’d managed to scare off a few of them too, as word of the crazy assembly spread.

We had the opportunity to ask some good questions, to try and give the impression to the pupils that we had something of value, and that it was a place where they could find out more about faith- instead we pranced around, and yes im gentle with myself about something that happened over 25 years ago, and Ive have done a few assemblies since,

but my first high school assembly was definitely one that fits in this confessions series… I dont think I could do the funky chicken ever again…..

Confessions of a young youth minister (1) Community prayer walking

On By JamesIn Discipleship, Youth ministry, Youthwork Methods1 Comment

So , there I was, armed with 5 years of lived in youth ministry from a middle class, midlands based evangelical church, and a weeks worth of ‘training’ , with a group of three other gap year students, landed in a ‘tough’ estate in the north east of England for a year, the year 1996. A year to ‘do mission’ a year to ‘do youth ministry’ a year to ‘redeem Hartlepool’ , a year to support the local church.

Or so I thought.

So what did we do? What did I do as the ‘team leader’ ?

There are probably many more confessions of a young youth minister that could be just ‘confessions of an Oasis Frontliner’ but most of them created the rule changes internally, rather than cause too much angst and shame. There probably are other stories to tell, but this one is the first, and involves something known as prayer walking..

The first month, of an 8 month gap year that I was on, was shaped as being a time to ‘get to know’ the neighbourhood – it would be what I would suggest takes a year to do in a 3-5 year plan, but we had a month in a gap year of 8 months, and if I remember rightly we did have some kind of community profile task to do, which meant in the days before the internet, a trip to the library and looking at local history, and trying to talk to a few people.

One of the ways we thought we would do this was to do some ‘prayer walking’ around the community. So, as team, we figured out routes, maps and pairs, and armed with 4 versions of evangelical faith (from prophetic, to charismatic to anglican) we set out on a prayer walk, not just ‘a’ walk – but a prayer walk.

Our aims for it were complex and ambitious, they were either to get to know the estate/ remove the estate of demons/ pray for those who looked like they needed it/ lay hands on difficult areas/ and to publicly pray out loud in places so that people might just ‘see the love of God’ in action.

Yes we were going for all of these.

At least, those where all the rhetoric in the prayers before all the walking starting, as we energised ourselves by praying louder and more enthusiastic before we left the house. Not only that but probably add a small dose of revival, blessing and long term generational change by our obedient walking actions, were all reverently called down to the Lord above for.

So we walked.

And oh my, do I cringe now.

I confess to standing and laying hands on the graffiti on a toilet block in the recreation ground, and feeling a ‘spirit’ of oppression in the parks and football pitches and going full jugular, crying before the Lord in angst at the lack of Godliness in the place. As we walked, in mournful prayerful attitude I remember how we would look for all the signs of where God wasnt in the place, where there was so obvious needs, like half naked 6 yr old boys on bike with no shoes on, like the graffiti, and any item that we could interpret as being not godly. The tattoo shop was one, as was the betting shop, we made assertions about some houses, that were probably not merited.

Strange that the middle class, privately owned houses seemed to have less demons around them.

Then we discovered the loose cassette tape.

We started to find cassette tape around the estate, and equated this, after much careful research and ‘amateur demonic prayer insight’ that the cassette tape was laid down by local witches who were marking their evilness around by use of loose cassette tape. From then on, for the next 7 months , any walking around the estate involved picking up cassette tape, that we ‘knew’ had demonic music on it (it wasnt video tape), and then the more we picked up, the more that got left. We saw it everywhere.

We became cassette tape warriors for the estate.

As I look back, over 20 years, with a mixture of shame and embarrassment at being the first month into a voluntary gap year with a large evangelical organisation in the mid 1990’s, I confess that it wasnt the organisation that encouraged us to do this specific thing, it wasnt its values, it was us, it was me.

Saving others and fixing others was what I thought I had to do, and part of the prayer walking, I realise, was to identify all the areas in the community where I, we, or God could fix, solve or redeem. Also, that I, and our team were the called people to help God identify the right areas to start this.

I imagine God laughing at us going, ‘it was just a play park’ whilst I was praying the demons out of an abandoned slide or swings that had been broken. At the time, I thought I was seeing like God was seeing, brokenness, hurt and evil – what I ignored was how things could be seen as good, hopeful and already a place where God was at work. I was only seeing the community in a way that gave me more work to do to fix it.

Also I was, and as a team we were, doing our best to justify our existence in a place, and my word we must have looked so odd, so out of place, and despite a few young people we did get to know, because none of our high aims were met, it was easy to go about judging the estate as a hard one, a tough one, and one in which the witches with the cassette tape had claimed as their own. Better to do that than think that we might have been wrong.

So yeah, confessions of a very young ‘Oasis Frontliner’ or volunteer youth minister, a tale from the mid nineties, a tale of ‘community profiling’ that was all sorts of weird, coupled with a mess of mid nineties post ‘toronto blessing, midst of vineyard power evangelism’ state in the UK, and one fresh faced me, wanting to save the world.

There might be more to follow….actually…I think its fairly likely….

What happens when the ‘free gifts’ (during the pandemic) disappear?

On By JamesIn Mission, Youthwork MethodsLeave a comment

Imagine if you will the distant tropical island, remote, isolated, some might say disengaging with society, think of its green trees, natural resources, and the civilisation that has lived there for centuries. The civilisation that does what it does already to survive, labours in the land, uses resources for shelter and warmth, and knows how to maintain the island, because by doing so knows that they survive on an island which thrives.

Imagine the cultures, the festivals, the rhythms of the island. The patterns of life per day, per week, per month. The way it orders itself around the weather, the moon and the seasons, should it have them.

It might not feel like paradise to you as you read this on a screen, with technology, but normal life for that island habitant is likely to feel a kind of authenticity and paradise.

It would be easy to describe what it might be like for this perfect idyllic nation to be destroyed by invaders and have narratives about that invasion become pervasive to the point of nationalism and narcissism. But that story is too well known, and is too explicit for this Island.

What if instead an invasion doesnt happen, but that the island is passively used instead?

On a corner of its land, is a beach, a harbour, where boats leave to catch fish, and that harbour is mid way between two warring nations, and so, one nation uses that harbour as a stop off.

The boats from one of these nations land. Its aeroplanes drop cargo from a newly laid runway.

Its Soldiers and crew become familiar in the place.

The natives wonder what all the equipment is, it was nothing they have ever seen.

They wonder where all the food arrives from that seems to come for free

The natives even wonder if these people in uniform had a religious or sacred affinity, given that their goods arrived with little or no work attached to it.

The Soldiers were respectful and shared their goods to the natives, in abundance at times, food, clothing, tools, materials

Until that is

When the war between the nations ended.

The troops went home. In Jubilant celebration, returning as war heroes to their land. And took all their equipment back.

Leaving the Island paradise bereft of its new found resources.

What might the Island community then do?

To invoke the Gods that they attributed who gave these goods, via the troops, they initiated the same religious sacred militaristic rituals, with devastating effect. The Island Paradise was lost forever.

I wonder.

Who are the Island community, and who do they represent?

Who are the troops? and what is the effect?

In his book ‘Rekindling Democracy’ Cormac Russell writes:

When we reflect on the language that is often used around communities in the face of austerity, they are not too dissimilar to that raised by the story of the US troops and the inhabitants of Tanna Island.

It is not uncommon to hear such partisan and bigoted statements against economically marginalised people such as:

1. They have learned an unhealthy dependence on outside aid, they need to learn to stand on their own two feet and stop looking for handouts

2. They are fundamentally orientated towards materialism and have lost touch with wholesome traditions and values that have helped people get out of poverty for generations

3. Their lack of sophistication and education has caused them to misread the situation and place unrealistic expectations on the benevolence of outsiders – they are now passing this dependency on to their children

4. They are being guided by local leaders who are abusing the situation for their own selfish ends; knowing the cargo will never come, they still use their charismatic leadership style to convince their followers otherwise

5. They are feckless; while they wait for cargo, they could at least engage in constructive activity, they do not proving that they are lazy.

In short it is all their fault

Cormac Russell, Rekindling Democracy (2020)

Cormac wonders whether we have all been subjects of a ‘Cargo Cult’ at some point in our lives, and the extent to which in western materialistic society the marches of materialism are the same as what are seen in shopping centres. What I would add, is the level of projection that the statements above often carry too.

Looking at the troops? Were they in the wrong?

Maybe it’s what they saw, and didnt see. They viewed their goods as riches to share, amongst people they thought had none, but didn’t see a community that had riches that weren’t goods. By being not of the industrialist world, the islanders had perfectly survived and more than so. The islanders had organised and had abundance.

The troops saw only deficits in the society and they sought to address this with ‘goods’ from the cargo, and it made them feel good to do so. ‘We have the cargo, you have deficits and ignorance, we can help you’. The Troops mapped the terrain, based on their own prejudgments and values and acted accordingly.

The islanders then saw themselves not as rich and resourceful, but insufficient and in need of more cargo, they lost sight of what they once had. What they turned to was an expectation that another large grey metal ship would save them in the future. They became in need of rescue from the outsider.

But could the islanders have refused the cargo? Could you?

I ask myself, Have I ever been the Soldier arriving with cargo? – what did I see when I first went to a community? Have I fallen into the trap of seeing young people in need of my rescue? What of a community or an estate? Am I in it to bless it with cargo from the outside? What might that do to it? What resources in a community have I not seen?

What do I need to see differently? And…what about you?

What about now, its not the paradise of an island – but 18 months down the line of a pandemic? When food distribution is at an all time high, and universal credit payments about to be reduced again…what has dependency looked like and felt like- and what happens next?

What does the story of the Cargo Cult do for you? Does it prompt? provoke? And why? Do share below

Ill include some of Cormac further reflections in my next piece…

Contains Trauma: Handle with Care

On By JamesIn Context, Youthwork, Youthwork management, Youthwork MethodsLeave a comment

Maybe I’m the sensitive one?

Maybe I’m the critical one?

Maybe I’m the one triggered?

After receiving trauma therapy. In the beginning of a personal remake from Trauma. In the process of learning about trauma from reading, and attending a few introductory sessions on this subject, and following therapists and trauma specialists on social media. I am not the only one concerned.

Dealing with Trauma is not a tick box

Dealing with Trauma is not a token

Dealing with Trauma is not simple

Dealing with Trauma is not to become opportunist

Dealing with Trauma will require cost, significant cost.

Dealing with Trauma is not a ‘mission field’

Dealing with Trauma requires awareness of Traumas, and includes Spiritual Abuse. God is not the help in times of trouble you may want him to be. That sentence alone has triggered some as they read this.

Maybe its my social media feed right now, or the last 12 months, but during the pandemic, the whole business of becoming ‘trauma informed’ has become a label like ‘being a positive employer’ or a title that pronounced to attempt to engender some kind of ‘safety’.

Thats not how Trauma works for the Trauma survivor.

I think what Im trying to say, is that dealing with peoples Trauma requires care, diligence, education, and is a huge responsibility.

Its not to be done on the cheap and as Lisa Cherry, Trauma specialist writes here, bypassing the experts for cost reasons.

Is not a tag on to say ‘We’re now trauma informed’ lets carry on with how we’ve always worked bullying and harassing people.

It really isnt the first time that in the faith sector the accusation can get hurled that amateur do-gooders that may end up doing more harm. Someone once read a book on adolescent development and can now run training courses on Trauma. Someone led a 10 week ministry on Anger Management and now sells themselves as an international speaker on it from something they did 15 years ago.

This isnt what we’re doing in the faith sector is it..?? Not on something like Trauma?

Really?

If I said to you that I attended some training this week that proclaimed that it was an introduction to being trauma informed…and yet didnt spend any time looking at Trauma at all.. would you believe me? – But it happened. ..

If I said to you that in that same training that its default was that an evangelical theology was the default for understanding trauma, and that theory was to back this up..would you believe me… but it happened…

If I told you that none of the above picture was mentioned as part of the behaviours that could indicate Trauma would you believe me… well it happened..

If I said to you that in trauma training (that didnt include trauma), methods of regulation with young did not account for complex diagnosis like ADHD and mental Health, or PTSD.. but that is what happened…

If I told you that encouraging young people to pray during breathing exercises to ask God to be their ‘perfect relationship’ when they had damaged family ones, was suggested – would you believe me…but it happened…

If I told you that in a ‘conversation introducing trauma’ there was no opportunity to ask questions and the zoom chat was disabled – a monologue for 90 mins with a break in-between, it didnt even create a trauma safe environment in its delivery.

Im not going to mention the name of this organisation, but its at least the 2nd one that is currently delivering material that encourages ‘Trauma informed’ in churches. Theres misgivings about the other course too, from specialists in the sector. I have fed this all back to the organisation in question.

I could go on. Maybe Im missing something, maybe not for the first time in my life Im the cynical sensitive one. Im happy to be accused of being these things, so that the love and care that we have for people as a church is healthier and whole.

‘No one can afford specialist responses to Trauma’ … well in that case… better to leave alone, that make things worse.

My Trauma took years for me to deal with, it may not be required that young people want to deal with it right now. If you want to pay for a young person to get specialist trauma care, then pay for it with a private child psychologist. That would do the world of good, for that young person.

‘Well meant but rubbish’, in the case of Trauma might add layers of trauma on to the original trauma itself.

Trauma is Fragile: Handle with care.

My own Trauma Education has begun with reading the following books ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ (2014) and Lisa Cherrys ‘Conversations that make a difference for Children and young people’ (2021) – I’d recommend both. There are many many others too. Theres also Lisa Cherrys Blog here, parts 1-3 on Trauma informed ways of being are good

On Creating Trauma informed organisations, this is another resource.

‘Is church social action; Colonialism wearing the mask of love?’

On By JamesIn Context, Discipleship, Mission, Theology, Youthwork MethodsLeave a comment

Love is patient

Love is Kind

Love is not self serving

Love…

I have to thank both Cormac Russell and Jen Johnson for the stimulation to write this piece. In a twitter conversation this week

Cormac shared the phrase itself, or a variant of it here

How often , as Candice points out do organisations use the term ‘non engaging’, ‘resilient’ and ‘hard to reach’. Its something ive definitely written about before. Especially when the funders come knocking at the door.

But then my friend Jen Johnson wrote this:

Do Church based ‘Social Action Projects’ often run the risk of fitting this description?

Of being ‘Colonialism/Empire: wearing the mask of love

So I wonder.

What is the motivation of ‘church based social action projects’ – including the ones I have worked for, and do work for now?

Is it to ‘pure’ to do social action from as faith perspective – without expectation?

Is it considered a ‘waste of time’ to work with some communities ‘because they dont come to church’?

Does the ‘love’ that is shown – that often looks like ‘serving needs’ – a mask for ‘hopefully if we’re nice to people then they think the church is ok’ ?

As another comment suggested – whilst a default is to look at a community with needy eyes – looking at what is needed and the gaps in the community – then the a church or organisation can play ‘rescuer’ or ‘fixer’ or saviour. Sometimes thats the look the church wants. Sometimes that temptation runs very deep. Its an organisational codependency thats impossible to shift.

I have heard it said that im a dreamer, and that in the ‘real world’ the church is empty and this is what the priority should be

I have heard it said to clergy that they are not social workers – and that ‘their job is discipleship’ not social work.

A reality is that most people don’t believe you when you say you are doing something for nothing. The problem is that for too many people they’ve been on the receiving end of toxic gifts the church has offered, that have never been free. Friendship evangelism was never friendship or evangelism.

So let me ask you, to reflect on the question

Is your understanding of the mission of God – ‘colonialism; wearing the mask of love’?

Or should we abandon masking love at all and just do colonialism – full on street preaching that in its method has barely love.

Or just ‘love’ because – thats a gospel command, to love one another, love your neighbour, love yourself, love God.

Can we loosen the ties of empire and colonialism – for the sake of love?

If actions of ‘love’ ; have to be justified by impact or growth – is that love – or a clashing gong or symbol?

I am questions, because I ask myself the same questions. Have I been implicit in this? Have I as a Christian done similar things, fell into the trap, a trap I am now more aware of, yes id like to think not, but certainly in some organisations, love plays second fiddle to evangelism, in others I worked for love was a motivator, but ‘the churches were empty of young people’ was more explicit. What was my task in the midst, to navigate a path my pwn integrity struggled to cope with, and ultimately couldn’t. I would rather be accused of being a dreamer and unrealistic I suppose and fall into the cracks, still believing and hoping and loving. Maybe from a point of being frustrated that loving has been diluted with expectation has emerged my own criticisms of others, yet I know, an I am learning to be better. Ultimately in all things, change starts with me, starts from the inside and works out wards. But sometimes, like the conversation above, I need my own poke from a loving prompting stick.

Communique; The lost art to help make our youth work practice go deep

On By JamesIn Discipleship, Theology, Youth ministry, Youthwork, Youthwork MethodsLeave a comment

Its not often that I’m inspired by what the Amercians are doing in their youth ministry practice that I think could be replicated in the UK. Often its too programmed or packaged, and the context of american evangelicals needs a severe critical scrutiny, however, In a conversation with youth worker Chuck Mellor from University of California UCLA, he was describing to me the concept of Communique and why it was revolutionising his youth work practice in the communities of San Diego.

I wasn’t initially convinced, but the more he spoke I realised he had hit on something.

Communique he said is like communicating with young people, but trying to connect with their inner French romantic side.

I asked him to explain.

He said it was like imagining that every young person, and every person, has a romantic French person inside them

You mean, there isn’t a ‘God shaped hole’ after all?

No, he said,

‘Its more like a French dude (I know there are still some places that say dude, even in 2021), on a bike that wants to write poetry and sing to his lover.’

hmmm, each one of us has a ‘French dude living inside us’ – is this what we have to do as youth workers?

Yes.

So, I continued to ask, what does this mean for your youth ministry?

He went on, I was intrigued;

Gone are the games, we don’t invoke competition any more, we realised that If God is love, then we have to invoke the love that is inside of each of the young people, and so imagining that there’s a French romantic inside them, their core, then we get the young people to write poetry, bake baguettes and look at butterflies instead

(Chuck Mellor, 2021)

He went on

Even the boys, we thought they would never buy it, but they we realised that they didnt have to buy it, reducing basketball for butterflies, and that’s where Communique comes in

So, what is this magical ‘Communique’?

It would take me a while to explain it, as over Zoom Chuck led me through diagrams, various art forms, and the history of Communique through the ages, starting from Witches, the early French explorers, traversing through Europe using Communique to acquire goods and services, though it never worked in battles, it was the art of looking into the eyes of people and connecting with their French romantic side, speaking slowly, deeply and mystically. It was a forgotten art form a way of communicating that went deep.

I had never heard of it, and yet, as he spoke I felt as though he was connecting with my inner French romantic. I was beginning to see the butterflies in my mind, and smell garlic (though maybe I had just cooked a chilli)

Chuck went on to tell me that one of the only known recent proponents of Communique was the French Band Le Deire Straites, and their lead singer Marc Knopfleur, who in their second album gave away the mystical communication form, back in 1980. He said that the communique purists went mad that it went mainstream. But now, Chuck said, it was time for a revival, or a revivale, of this. The groups had overcame their differences and realised the importance of communique. Time to revive it.

He said that he discovered it personally on a skiing trip in the alps, when he googled the word.

Yet he spoke, I felt peace, love and stillness, and realised that I had been in the presence of true communique.

This was going to transform youth groups all over the world I thought. Its like being in a loving trance with the faint whiff of champagne.

And that, he said, was Communique, was that, taking young people to that place, speaking to them in way that enables their inner French dude can thrive.

I struggled as I spoke to Chuck to ask a question, I was so relaxed, but I wanted to know what happens next?

For now, we’re only in the third year of developing Communique, but its been enough for us to already develop communique youth ministries as a brand, and we’ll be writing books soon, in fact theres already one being written, due to publish in 2022, this will change Youth ministry forever, its like we’ve taken it all back to our French basics, its authentic, its like we’ve discovered something real in youth ministry for decades, everything else before seems like fluff and games. We cannot wait to share more.

What happened to the youth group after three years Chuck, after all its results we need?

He told me that the young people began to wake up, and awaken themselves to their true French dude, as their loving self was nurtured through youth ministry, through baking baguettes , art, and discovering beauty, they changed. But their parents hated it, so did the schools. But we kept on going, knowing that the path of communique was a true path.

We had complaints, there always is, when people don’t understand, or they are jealous that all they had in youth group was chubby bunnies and a residential, kids were going home full of peace, contentment and joy, turning off their TVs and reading books, parents who had just bought a three year TV subscription were going ape. Schools couldn’t find new jobs for their bullying champions, as they were transformed into loving zones of learning, cultivated joy by young people.

It sounds blissful, amazing. And this was all down to Communique?

It sure was.

Communique it is then,

Already I can see it in Job descriptions for the future youthworkers, who will now need Communique skills as well as enthusiasm, passion and innovation, or should I say enthuse, passione, and innovatione, and fortunately in the UK, we have closer ties to our French counterparts, and the residual history of communique is closer to our grasp. I looked up the French band Chuck was telling me about, and so I end this piece with a few words from the controversial song, for us to start our path into the communique.

They want to get a statement for jesus’ sake

It’s like a talking to the wall

He’s incommunicado no comment to make

He’s saying nothing at all

(Dire Straits, 1980)

Lets ponder this a while, saying less, saying nothing, and speaking directly to the French romantic inside each young person. Thats the way forward.

Communique, the lost art of communication, about to revolutionise youth ministry.

Taking youth ministry deeper might mean going deep inside to the French dude inside each of us.

Instead of talking to young people as if they have lack, a hole and are sinful beings waiting for us to rescue them, lets rediscover communique and awaken the dormant French romantic hiding deep inside.

Le April fool..

or

is it?

Stories of Youth Worker Burnout #ycwchat (*doesn’t just apply to youth workers)

On By JamesIn Context, Discipleship, Youth ministry, Youthwork, Youthwork management, Youthwork MethodsLeave a comment

 

On Monday 1st March , the theme of the twitter chat (#ycwchat) was ‘Burnout’ .

It was by one of the most contributed to chats, and it was suggested that I write up the responses to the questions that were given. I have tried to include every response, as it was said in the chat and I’ve included all the contributors at the end of this piece.

Many will sadly relate. Many will relate in many forms of ministry. Many are not in roles because of it.

 

Responses to this included:

  • I think I now see it as when I am unable to function at a healthy level. When I notice lots of unhealthy tendencies creeping in I know I’m close to burn out. The enneagram has been helpful in understanding when that is better.

  • Burnout is a state of overwhelm that leaves me unable to function other than to do the absolute minimum. It is usually a result of overwork, or an inability to distinguish where work should stop and rest should begin, over an extended period of time

  • Unhealthy levels of work, stress and bad habits. Busy doing stuff without achieving anything. Not going tadks full attention

 

  • Yes, i only recognised it after the event, it was a state of constant adrenaline, caffeine dependency and brain fog. Felt constantly under pressure.

    • (which was replied with) : I think often we don’t see it (esp 1st time around) until afterwards… So hard to spot it for ourselves until we know what it feels like – 

  • Yes. So many signs. But I remember coming home from a totally positive, normal pastoral chat with a young person and just sitting on my hall floor and crying for two hours. Then found that was happening most days.

  • Yes, 1st time 8 years ago when I was doing too much (understatement, really!). I had a distinct moment of ‘Oh shit, I am not OK’ in my local shopping centre, I felt utterly overwhelmed & unable to think straight. My brain was catastrophising & in full on panic mode

  • I didn’t realise it at first. I understood ‘burn out’ as not able to do anything at all, took me a while to realise you can have a slow burn out. Really wish I’d understood what to look out for, I’m really keen to read about it.

  • Never officially told it was burnout, but in retrospect makes situational sense. constant anxiety, insomnia, chest pains (A&E multiple times), brain fog, panic attacks etc.

 

  • Too many expectations on youthworkers, and not a culture of being able to say ‘No’ and create boundaries, also very little awareness on emotional health, eg codependency.. these are also things that I might add

  • Not having strong relationships with other organisations to support your work with young people. Being able to discuss, share and meaningfully connect young people to a network of resources and opportunities gives you as a worker a sense of community and connection too

  • Overwork, poor supervision and for me constantly justifying my role as I was on a 1 year contract    (think that’s another thing about the setting up of a role, needs to have some security as well as good supervision and decent salary etc… )

  • Lack of ability to solve systemic problems that you are seeing or affect structural change. Lack of control over working conditions. (and, poor management and supervision). And related: trying to be young people’s functional savior.

  • It’s going to be diff for diff people bc what’s overwhelming for some isn’t for others. In my case it was an inability to say no along with the approach of ‘if you want something done, ask a busy person’. I had also had a run of life changing events medically, Which I hadn’t given time to process properly & consider their impact before plunging back into ‘normal’.

  • Mine was not having clinical supervision. had supervision, but it was no at the level needed for working with YP with multiple needs and Mental Health stuff going on

  • Workaholic ministry culture. Often I’ve seen this modelled by clergy, and expected of them by their workers, without understanding that workers lack the autonomy and positional power of the clergy person, so gets more toxic as a lifestyle as it’s passed down….

    • We are FAR too quick to idolise ‘being busy’, but I’ve also seen books written, by men, on how 2b not busy. One I started but had to put it down as it was SO obvious that his ‘not being busy’ was supported by others around him (likely a woman/wife) doing all the things he wasn’t
    • poor management and supervision practice and relationships also play into this. And, frankly, gender/race/age dynamics can too
    • I’ve sat and chatted with curates who are struggling desperately with the exact same dynamic, desperately waiting until they’re free and get to BE the incumbent. I’ve tried to help them see that for youthworkers, they never have the hope of that way out.
    • So exploring power dynamics and agency on both counts is critical. There is a lot of ‘unboundaried’ practices and conversations.
    • Yes. And by the times curates get around to be the incumbents, they have quite possibly internalised unhealthy ways of functioning – if not for themselves, in what they expect from others.

 

  • Having very rigid structures that don’t allow for things to change when they need to change
    • Oh goodness me YES! Managing change is another thing, like conflict management, that should be part of a manager or supervisor’s toolkit but too often it isn’t there..

  • Poor Management and Supervision

  • *so* many insightful answers to A3 (thanks all). For me, it is often a mix of ‘white knight’ complexes, poor resources, lack of positive role models and a complete inability to say ‘no’.

  • Lack of care and dignity in the support offered to workers through difficult or intense situations

  • An inability to say no! Taking on too much responsibility. Thinking that everything depends on you. Trying to be the saviour and not the midwife

  • YES all of this for me too… There’s definitely all the stuff about poor supervision & management but there’s also this feeling of all the responsibility, it’s unhealthy but I think I might have been quite difficult to manage/supervise!!…..I was a dream for most line management in that I could not say ‘no I don’t think that fits with my role’ but if anyone had tried 2 say ‘you’re very busy, are you sure you want to add this?’ I would prob have ignored it. Now learned 2 ask that qu of myself & loved ones

    • Supervisors have responsibility and cannot opt out. What we did 1,5,10,20 year’s ago is different. Experience can teach wisdom.

 

  • Developing sustainable rhythms. This has been a gamechanger (til COVID ruined it). Scheduling rest and downtime regularly for before we really feel the need for it. Resisting the busyness culture that sometimes feels like it judges a refusal to negotiate about rest

  • Setting up proactive relationships with people able to speak into the doing/resting dynamic, and who have permission to (gently) rebuke me if I am taking too much on.

  • YES and YES… I really struggle to hold the work/rest boundaries but I know that if I don’t I crash quickly (bc of a combo of previous burnout & medical issues that have reduced my capacity). I love my work so stopping it is hard

  • After burning out for the first time i reflected (eventually, when I finally admitted I’d burnt out) on why it had happened and what had triggered it. Also (not wanting to mention it again) deepening my understanding of self through the enneagram

  • Running and being ruthlessly attuned to early warning signals in my body. Proactively setting boundaries (boundaries are kind!) and trying to work on not fixing situations out of an overblown sense of responsibility.

  • I’ve recognised it’s not all on me to be resilient & so have become much more discerning about who I work for, ensuring they have robust trauma informed systems of care in place & a culture that promotes wellbeing. A luxury many don’t have I know.

 

  • I took a full break from everything for a short time, then went back to work but carried on a break from volunteer youth role, eventually a yr later left the church where I had been volunteering……longer term I have the phrase ‘you are not indispensible’ written in as many places as I can think of, & although I’ve not completely avoided it again (in another volunteer position!), I am able to spot the signs and am more able to step away

  • Counselling, mentoring, left the role after it became clear that the external factors couldn’t change to a workable level, got a different and WAY more healthy job (actually worked only 4days a week for a year or so after, with really good line management and support)

  • I think I was saved by virtue of being forced to take 3 months paternity leave half a year in. It was enough of an emergency brake for my brain to kick back into gear. Then longer term: actively seeking out people who ask awkward questions, also more broadly, I found reading around the area of Family Systems Theory helped me understand how I was functioning within an organisation.

  • I am struck by how many variations of ‘kind of forced to stop for a while’ there are in the answers (would be mine too). Putting everything down and then carefully choosing what to pick up again can be real wisdom.

  • spoke to people, became more honest with myself, created a little more space, started spiritual direction (one of the best ministry decisions I’ve ever made)

  • being kinder to self. Realising my limitations. Connecting.

  • Offering spaces for soul and physical card like retreats.

  • I learned that while I can DO ANYTHING, I can’t do ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME, or even some of the time… I learned that I am not, nor at any point should I be, indispensible. And I learned to say NO, some of the time at least..

  • Share the load, both work load and talk about the burdens.

  • All those non-sexy things that people say you should learn (conflict management, time management, self-reflection)…you should probably make time to learn!

  • One final thing, and I am very cautious about saying this as I know some people are in really horrible work conditions and I don’t want to minimise that, but…a lot of the time when I am frustrated at conditions ‘out there’, it is a sign that something is not right within me.

  • yup – I think I have more empathy with others who are struggling and/or not showing themselves in their best light.

  • That I’m human! Also the need to take time out for self-care and soul-carespend more time reflecting.

  • Put a team together carefully and prayerfully. Realise my limitations

This summary comment appeared. It kind of sums it all up doesn’t it?

First time I’ve joined #ycwchat and really both saddened and encouraged by so many knowledgable responses on Youth Worker Burnout. Thanks for sharing.

 

Thank you to all who responded to this conversation, including Jenni Osborn, Sally Nash, Mike Rutt, Dean Pusey, Sarah Long, James Yates, David Bunce, Melanie, CrommWhitt, Jen Johnson, Andy Campbell, Nicky Hill.

Youthworker – Do you need to step out of the drama triangle?

On By JamesIn Context, Youth ministry, Youthwork, Youthwork management, Youthwork MethodsLeave a comment

Hey Youth and community worker, do you know about the drama triangle?

No?

Well, here it is:

This version is taken from this article ‘Are you stuck in a Drama triangle’  

The Drama triangle, first identified by Stephen Karpman in 1968, is a model that describes the interplay of three stereotypical egotistical roles people take up the heat of the moment, in conflict. (Tombs, Joel in Grove Youth Series, Y40)

The question I have for you, after you have had a look at it above, is, do you recognise where you put yourself on the triangle lines in any of your youthwork practice?  For example:

Do you appeal to being the victim to your trustees and governance?

Do you see young people as ‘victims’ and in need of rescue? 

Do you want be the saviour to ‘fix’ the church? or wider society? 

Are the young people displaying challenging behaviour and disrupting your youth group? 

What do you communicate to funders? 

 

So much about our practice can be about being in or resolving conflict that at times wearing the cloak of one of these roles, or assuming into one of them can be common place. When it happens Swords and sides are drawn.

What about the ‘roles’

What happens when we assume roles of rescuer and fixer to young people?  We are saying that they are unable to ‘fix’ themselves without us.. and this leads to codependency . It puts the over onus on you to assume all the responsibility for everything. Most of the time you’ll be spinning 27 plates anyway, so one more isnt going to hurt..is it…. is it..??

 

in the role of ‘rescuer’ you are very likely to forego your own needs. You are too busy plate spinning, rescuing and keeping the show on the road, whether project, church, group, ministry, charity, to attend to yourself. Often thriving in the drama. Its probably where you thrive, until you burn out. (My next blog is on burnout)

 

Alternatively, you could assume the role of the persecutor, though this is unlikely, you’re more likely to judge others as this and assume being a victim…. however the person who is the persecutor/or who assumes this role, is likely to think that it is everyone else fault. This person does not take any responsibility for their feelings, needs and actions. Some might say narcissist. They can become dominating, controlling, aggressive, angry, critical, and highly manipulative. They fear being the victim, which restricts them from being vulnerable, and love nothing more than powerfully tearing people apart and exposing others weaknesses to prove themselves correct.  In assuming a victim role, is this what your governance really are? Probably not. Or… might you actually work with a church leader, manager, CEO who is like this? It is possible, actually it is.

 

Assuming the role of victim, if you do this, or you see young people in this light, then that person is viewed as the following:

  • Victims are not fully in touch with their own needs, therefore they do not voice them assertively
  • As such, the victim role is associated with feeling powerless, depressed, oppressed, ashamed, hopeless, victimised, dependent, sad, or angry
  • These feelings may be used to guilt-trip others
  • Often they will look for a rescuer, someone to save them from their circumstances/victimhood
  • They may also unconsciously look for a Persecutor (see below) to validate their own victimhood
  • Due to their feelings of helplessness, they will often struggle to make hard decisions or take action to solve their own problems
  • Victims find their power in their belief that they are blameless.  (These point are taken from this article) 

 

If you see yourself as a victim in a situation, then as the above suggests, playing powerless is your game. How many times do we consider ourselves as youthworkers to be the oppressed group? Its like that joke about the lightbulb. We’d rather cope in the darkness, than take power and switch on the lightbulb.

Can you see how none of these roles are in any way healthy?  or could lead to satisfactory outcomes in conflict or youth practices?

So if this is the drama triangle, how do we get out of it..?

Well the first thing is to see it and recognise it. Awareness of it as it happens is the main first step to be honest. Are you, Am I, showing all the repeated patterns of assuming victim hood, or taking on the rescuer codependent role?  Have a think about why you assume that role? Continuing a path of self awareness might help you see this, do you seek perfection and then assume that if you dont take responsibility no one else could do it as well as you? or is it that you like to feel needed? or something else. Already though, if you can see the pattern you are more on there way to stepping out of the triangle than where you were before…on it.

Tombs in the Grove booklet (y40) suggests that by saying ‘Im not the victim’ or ‘ im not to be the rescuer’ (like usual) – them this creates options for saying no (to responsibility) and working out how the conflict/task can be managed elsewhere. If I am not a victim, and I have more power than I realise, then what action might I take?  If I do not see myself as rescuer, instead I am someone who works ‘with’ young people, not to rescue, then what might that cause you to do, say, behave and act differently?

Once you can see it, observe the pattern. Breathe and take your time in how you respond to things, Try not to become defensive, take responsibility (if you are assuming victim) and back off taking on more, if you are sliding into rescuer.

Get out of the FOG.

  1. Remember the acronym FOG. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt. If you feel any of those feelings, consistently, in a relationship, you are most likely dealing with a manipulator. You need to get out of the FOG.
  2. On the other hand, if you are trying to make another person feel Fearful, Obligated, or Guilty, you are the manipulator and are not operating with integrity. Be direct, honest, and seek help to communicate differently.  (Taken from this article, which gives 10 tips on how to remove yourself from the drama triangle) 

This article is also helpful – How to step out of the drama triangle

 

It can be so easy to talk in terms of the drama triangle even in the every day language of youthwork, maybe more in youth ministry, when theres a tendency to ‘fix’ and rescue the ‘lost’ young people, to take on the saviour complex for the community, the parish and the family who are ‘broken’. The drama triangle is nearly always the default language of the emotionally unhealthy. Its also evident in how ‘Boris saves’ Christmas and how the media portray many groups and situations. Drama is what the media thrive on…

Can we not view young people as not in need of our fixing, and gifted and our role to work with them, be with them instead?

Part of self awareness emotionally might be to see this, and how it plays out and step out of it.  How we deal with ourselves and conflict without resorting into ego roles, and resolving in a way in which both parties can win, is something we could and should be modelling in our organisations and then enabling young people to be good at conflict management too.

 

References

Y40 Grove Series, Ten essential concepts for Christian youth work.  (Nash, Whitehead)

Recovering from Emotionally immature Parents, by Lindsay C Gibson, 2019

Theres more on this on This Wikipedia site too 

Do have a look at the nurture development site to the right, for more on Asset based youth/community work.

 

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