Tag: self awareness

The Problem of Proving Psychological abuse.

On By JamesIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Two years ago I wrote a piece about why it’s likely there’s a Psychopath in a Church. This was on the back of, two high profile cases. As Thomas Eriksen writes; of the top 10 professions in the UK that a psychopath might be in, Spiritual Leader was one. In fact, Spiritual leader was 8th on the list. CEO and Media/Journalist was in there too -both places of power, with the power to criticise without question. So, let me ask a question, if the top professions are CEO (of any organisation) and Media/Journalist (of any media) – What are two of the predominant roles in the larger cultures of churches that have grown in the last 10-15 years? 

The Brand Specialist? The National Director? The Chief Operations officer? The Comms team? 

Male – mostly, but lets not propel a myth that it couldnt be women, for as Zizek writes:

In this new version of sexual difference, Women are not called upon by the ruling ideology to subordinate themselves, they are called – solicited, cajoled, expected, to be judges, administrators, ministers, CEO’s, teachers, policewomen and soldiers…. A new figure of the feminine is arising: a cold competitive agent of power, seductive and manipulative, attesting to the paradox that ‘in the conditions of capitalism, women can do better than men’ (Badiou) This of course, in no way makes women suspicious of capitalism, it merely signals that capitalism has invented its own ideal image of woman

(Zizek, The Courage of Hopelessness, p 271)

There’s both a covert and a victim playing narcissist, both more often female. Here are two really useful videos on it, by a female psychologist. If you want to read more, do look in my resources section here too.

There’s a hidden/covert thing about emotional and psychological abuse, that only reveals itself when it is provoked and exposed, Men, might likely to be the ouvert psychopath and do actions that get caught… eventually (and even this can be over many years) , but Women are more likely to be the covert narcissist. Their victims are less likely to have bruises or be sexual victims in the same way, less likely to have the kind of injuries that end up as a prosecutable case. But their victims face bewilderment, confusion and shame. 

Until they do that one thing..and get caught.

Im pondering the question – if there are more likely to be emotionally and psychologically manipulative people in churches, then what might be required to protect people from them, and protect those who may be at risk from being groomed by them in any investigation?

And, especially , as this kind of abuse is so difficult to find evidence for.

Let’s look at an example.  An example of how a group of people might respond if they had realised they had been manipulated over many years and they had only just been able to gather evidence of it.

Imagine it is 1975, and you are the newly appointed General Secretary of the United Nations, Gaston Thorn, and you have created a few policies and documents on developing more flourishing countries, and inviting those who have experienced mistreatment to come forward.

You receive this letter.

 

You receive this letter. 

What do you do? 

From this you determine that there are a number of charges against the USA , but also that they are describing mistreatment that sounds like manipulation, control, and difficult to articulate scenarios, it also seems as though they have had to work out how to live and survive within this regime.  Though there might be phsycial injuries and deaths, the dead can’t speak, but those in the midst of the fear, anxiety and terror can.

But, it wouldn’t be fair if you didnt ask the accused for their response to this, would it? So, thats what you do. 

You write a letter to the USA President asking three specific things:

  1. Did you steal items for your own good, then set rules on tarifs that meant these people remained in poverty?
  2. Did you bomuse your bombs to injure and kill these people?
  3. Have you conducted surveillance in this territory on everyday people?

Three months later, their response looks like this: 

It arrives on your desk. 

With either your 1975 or 2023 eyes – what strikes you about this letter?

Can you see the patterns?  How many? This might be one of them, but anything else?

Did you even get an answer to your questions?

What words are completely unnecessary in the reply?

Did you expect anything else? – given what was being accused? What use was your request?

Did you expect a truthful confession?

For not only do those who commit psychological abuse do it, they also use it in the process of any investigation into them.

It’s also going to be pretty difficult for you as the UN officer in this case to enact charges when the US is accused of doing something, on their own land. Fast forward to cases of domestic abuse, the perpetrators claim possession and the entitlement to do such a thing.

How would you interview the President on this? If they haven’t lied outright, or admitted anything blantantly – how would you get to finding out whether they actually did or didnt do what they are accused of – instead of justifications, projections, scapegoating, gloating, or distractions?

What about asking each of the parties for a verbal report? But what might be the risk if you were in conversation someone who sounds threatening – might they threaten you more – or maybe they’ll do the nice guy thing and make out that the other person is going crazy? (crazy because thats the scenario created by the oppressor)

Interestingly: It would be very likely that the Puerto Ricans would be able to see the patterns, they have lived them. They had to do the work, extensive work to see it. They had to build a case, with a group of people and make a case. It wasn’t just one person against another – but you only have two letters in front of you and you can’t be seen to be unfair.

What might be the problem if you try to ‘stay neutral’ in this scenario…

See what you’ve got yourself into, once you suggested that mistreated countries could come forward…?

Maybe more accurately, what has now happened that you have two not quite contrasting situations of the same events, one giving details the other not really actually denying it, but justifying it. So it’s almost certain that the events happened.

What might you have needed to do differently if words like coercion, control and manipulation were used, should the investigation taken a different form?

Want to see how actually crazy this story actually happened , I base my reading of the scenario from this video: How the USA Stole Puerto Rico There are many other global examples of imperialism I could have chose, but the way in which the USA conducted long lasted psychological abuse in this country (according the video) gave me food for thought.

I hope one day the people of Puerto Rico get justice, the letters are fictitious, examples of what could have happened. The US even kept records of their psychological abuse.

So let’s fast forward to 2023.

Psychological and Emotional Abuse is a category of Abuse in many churches safeguarding policies, Neglect is rife in Child protection situations (including in the church) .  There can be barely evidence for any of these things, and many many people wear a mask to hide it, protect themselves from the horror of it and live within it, until they gather the strength to share it.  

Thats until….Until something that actually happens that can actually be reported or a group of people realise together how they’ve all been treated and report collectively. In the above case it could have been the realisation of an undercover FBI agent, or something small like, well, being bombed… but these could even be tips on a gigantic iceberg of deceit, abuse, pretence and covert behaviour. What happens then, the persecutor claims to have been bullied out of a place.

It’s like a fungi. The knotted twisted mitochondria has twisted and gathered and injured underneath the the ground for a very long time, and its only when there’s a visible action’ an often disbelieving one (see also Matilda and Mrs Trunchbull) that shows itself where something can happen. The calculated risk is taken when the victims is deemed too vulnerable to stand up for themselves. This will almost definitely be the scenario in any domestic abuse situations.

And… what psychological or emotional evidence might the police, church or organisation require for safeguarding or criminality?  And how would go about finding this further  – what knowledge would be needed to know about how people thrive and survive in prisoned/manipulated situations to capture it?  

Maybe a trained psychologist/therapist in hearing people – to go in and listen to stories? It all might build a picture. If people are scared to speak out, then it might say something.  What about the trail of long term behaviour and patterns could there be further investigation? (Yes the USA did exert the same behaviour over 4 island territories in 1898 onwards, what red flags might there be in previous workplaces, or relationships)

It would be no surprise that those who have been emotionally and psychologically and spiritually abused stay quiet, for although they might have confidence they’ll be believed, they have little confidence that those investigated are unlikely to be manipulated themselves. Especially if, as was evidenced in the ‘Spotlight Movie’, triangulation, gaslighting and the powerful protect and stand with each other. The oppressed know their oppressors more than the oppressors know themselves, because often the oppressor doesn’t want to get anywhere close to their own reality, hiding behind a pretence. The abused know the patterns.

Can an organisation claim to be for victims of abuse – if it hasnt gone out of its way to educate itself or create processes with those with specialist knowledge on it, or protect itself from being manipulated too, for, the psychopath will stop at nothing to lie to protect themselves, they always lie. (the victim knows this) What might happen if those who have covert or overt psychopathic tendencies rise to the top (as they always do, they are addicted to power) ? What happens then to those making decisions on cases – are the even aware of the possibility of this kind of behaviour?

If this kind of behaviour is likely to be on the increase, what steps might structures take to increase the psychological profiling of those candidating for ministry? What emotional awareness might be increased , just like justice awareness has also done in the last few years? (and, its not just ministers, but lets start somewhere)

And if then the persons aren’t convicted, criminalise or ‘enough evidence’ then are those who abuse galvanised further? Would it be better not to have said anything?

It just strikes me that when psychological/emotional or spiritual abuse is the crime, that the criminal evidence trail is likely to be small, but it will be there, just requires specialist tools to discover it and protect people from it, not just the individual having to protect themselves or thrive, despite it.

I know I have a lot of questions in this piece, they are largely rhetorical, I wish I had answers.

(*Every denomination, includes other organisations too) 

References:

Surrounded by Psychopaths by Thomas Eriksen

The Courage of Hopelessness by Slavoj Zizek

Various Resources on Psychopathy and Narcissistic patterns on You Tube.

Funky Frecks: A book to help children become more aware of emotional health and manipulation.

On By JamesIn Book ReviewsLeave a comment

Jess is excited to start her new school and she soon makes friends.

But it’s not long before one friendship makes her feel uncomfortable.

Feeling trapped and alone, Jess isn’t happy.

Can she figure out a way to ask for the help she needs?

Funky Frecks, Jennifer Gilmour

Fully crowdfunded, Funky Frecks is a children’s book for KS2 children and it follows the same ethos as Jennifers debut novel, educating through a form of entertainment. The aim is that they will carry what they learn forward in not only friendships but into their future romantic relationships, equipping them with the ability to spot the signs / pink flags. 

The story follows Jess who is unique in her own right with beautiful white hair, different-coloured eyes and freckles. Jess has been to many different schools and we join her as she starts another new school and feels rather vulnerable. The school has a buddy-up system and a fellow classmate volunteers to help Jess in her first week, her name is Sam and is very welcoming on the offset. We see them getting on well and enjoying each other’s company but things don’t feel right when Sam gives Jess a nickname that she doesn’t like, Jess musters up the courage to tell her she doesn’t like to be called Frecks but Sam ignores it. As the story unfolds we see Sam become demanding over school activities at lunchtime, getting jealous of Jess making other friends and everything comes to a crescendo. 

Personally, I’m grateful that this is a conversation that is much more talked about than when I was in school, and this resource by my friend Jennifer will be vital to help children and young people recognise not only the behaviour of others but also to recognise their own value and worth in relationships.

More on the book is here : Funky Freaks Book

Jennifer Gilmour is an author and advocate for women in abusive relationships, using her own experiences of domestic abuse as a catalyst to bring awareness and help others. Jennifer has published two publications, Isolation Junction and Clipped Wings which have both been Amazon Best Sellers and received awards. Jennifer speaks at events across the UK and continues to raise awareness through her blog posts, public speaking, radio interviews and social media.

Jennifer has listened to her readers and has grown a digital community to support discussions around domestic abuse online. Starting with her Twitter Chat which opened late 2017 #AbuseTalk, this developed into an online forum in 2018. In 2019, Jennifer launched a podcast that includes interviews with those in the sector and gives followers the opportunity to ask burning questions. 

Youth Work NatDipHE & JNC Level 2 (University of Chester) 

Jennifer can be found on the usual social media, twitter, instagram, Facebook etc – her blog site is here

I needed Youthwork, to Save Me (and it did)

On By JamesIn YouthworkLeave a comment

I had to face a painful reality recently.

If someone asked me the following question:

Why did you want to become a youth worker?

It would depend on who was asking me the question as to what I answer I would give.

But, as we know, it wasn’t for the money, neither was it for the job security, or the career prospects. It wasnt for the working conditions, the annual bonuses or the company holiday schemes, or pensions. It wasnt to be noticed, famous or be powerful.

I might have fumbled an answer ; ‘Im not really sure, it just happened’ or unconvincing said that ‘ I think God called me into it’ – but did I really believe that?

As soon as I could I took on responsibilities in my church growing up, and became a ‘leader’ (you can read more about my story here, on my other blog) , and even as a participant of groups and clubs – I gravitated to the adults, I wanted to help, to find out how things worked. Its as if I didn’t want to stay a child. (as I wrote here, I was typecast as an adult even in primary school plays)

I grew up wanting to escape being a child as soon as possible. Being a child wasnt safe for me.

I orientated myself around other adults very quickly, especially those who I needed to be safe, and for me to get positive attention and identity amongst.

Growing up evangelical, and what I heard to was to be self sacrificial, to give, to volunteer, to commit to ‘The Lord’ all that, and so I did, love and serve others – love and serve others…in the hope of finding some kind of satisfaction, some kind of identity, some kind of purpose. This was all part of it.

I thought if I became involved in church ministry – it might please my parents. Me the trophy older child doping the thing that might actually cause this to happen. Or, when this didnt happen, the me that was going to prove them wrong by doing well in it. That didnt end well. 20 or more years of need that being a youthworker was meant to fulfil.

But it didnt.

So I have to accept it.

Because the truth of the answer to the question I couldn’t and didnt want to answer is this.

I wanted to save young people, because I wanted them to save myself.

Its something I’ve known for well over a year, since I was in therapy over a year ago, and in ‘The Courage to be happy’ I read it this week:

I would have denied it, had you asked me anytime up until a few years ago. I was so in denial. In denial of everything.

Running not facing a reality.

But not anymore. So, this is not painful to write, and admit, how much I needed to be a youthworker.

I wanted it to make me happy – but I had no idea of how to be happy

I wanted it to make others see me – but that with emotionally immature parents – is impossible

I wanted to save others, and give other children and young people a safe, fun, educative childhood – that I didnt have – but the truth was that I had no reference point for that on an emotional level.

The difference now is acceptance.

I accept that this was me.

I accept that my worth came from other people.

And…. now… I can see it for what it is.

Theres no point in fighting or denying it any longer. It’s ok.

I may have become a youthworker – and a good, theologically, theoretically well thought and regarded youthworker for all those reasons – but who am I now? And what does it mean for the now?

What does it mean for me now – now that I’m different on the inside?

Maybe ill be able to enjoy it more for what it is, and have fun, live and be happy – as a youthworker – rather than hoping it will one day save me.

The best youthworker I could ever be, was the one who youthworked myself.

The one who spoke to me.

Give myself permission to be a child, be safe, be heard, to feel, to be valuable.

Starts from within.

So, can I now give to others, without needing in return?

Isn’t that a healthier place to be?

Youthworker – Do you need to step out of the drama triangle?

On By JamesIn Context, Youth ministry, Youthwork, Youthwork management, Youthwork MethodsLeave a comment

Hey Youth and community worker, do you know about the drama triangle?

No?

Well, here it is:

This version is taken from this article ‘Are you stuck in a Drama triangle’  

The Drama triangle, first identified by Stephen Karpman in 1968, is a model that describes the interplay of three stereotypical egotistical roles people take up the heat of the moment, in conflict. (Tombs, Joel in Grove Youth Series, Y40)

The question I have for you, after you have had a look at it above, is, do you recognise where you put yourself on the triangle lines in any of your youthwork practice?  For example:

Do you appeal to being the victim to your trustees and governance?

Do you see young people as ‘victims’ and in need of rescue? 

Do you want be the saviour to ‘fix’ the church? or wider society? 

Are the young people displaying challenging behaviour and disrupting your youth group? 

What do you communicate to funders? 

 

So much about our practice can be about being in or resolving conflict that at times wearing the cloak of one of these roles, or assuming into one of them can be common place. When it happens Swords and sides are drawn.

What about the ‘roles’

What happens when we assume roles of rescuer and fixer to young people?  We are saying that they are unable to ‘fix’ themselves without us.. and this leads to codependency . It puts the over onus on you to assume all the responsibility for everything. Most of the time you’ll be spinning 27 plates anyway, so one more isnt going to hurt..is it…. is it..??

 

in the role of ‘rescuer’ you are very likely to forego your own needs. You are too busy plate spinning, rescuing and keeping the show on the road, whether project, church, group, ministry, charity, to attend to yourself. Often thriving in the drama. Its probably where you thrive, until you burn out. (My next blog is on burnout)

 

Alternatively, you could assume the role of the persecutor, though this is unlikely, you’re more likely to judge others as this and assume being a victim…. however the person who is the persecutor/or who assumes this role, is likely to think that it is everyone else fault. This person does not take any responsibility for their feelings, needs and actions. Some might say narcissist. They can become dominating, controlling, aggressive, angry, critical, and highly manipulative. They fear being the victim, which restricts them from being vulnerable, and love nothing more than powerfully tearing people apart and exposing others weaknesses to prove themselves correct.  In assuming a victim role, is this what your governance really are? Probably not. Or… might you actually work with a church leader, manager, CEO who is like this? It is possible, actually it is.

 

Assuming the role of victim, if you do this, or you see young people in this light, then that person is viewed as the following:

  • Victims are not fully in touch with their own needs, therefore they do not voice them assertively
  • As such, the victim role is associated with feeling powerless, depressed, oppressed, ashamed, hopeless, victimised, dependent, sad, or angry
  • These feelings may be used to guilt-trip others
  • Often they will look for a rescuer, someone to save them from their circumstances/victimhood
  • They may also unconsciously look for a Persecutor (see below) to validate their own victimhood
  • Due to their feelings of helplessness, they will often struggle to make hard decisions or take action to solve their own problems
  • Victims find their power in their belief that they are blameless.  (These point are taken from this article) 

 

If you see yourself as a victim in a situation, then as the above suggests, playing powerless is your game. How many times do we consider ourselves as youthworkers to be the oppressed group? Its like that joke about the lightbulb. We’d rather cope in the darkness, than take power and switch on the lightbulb.

Can you see how none of these roles are in any way healthy?  or could lead to satisfactory outcomes in conflict or youth practices?

So if this is the drama triangle, how do we get out of it..?

Well the first thing is to see it and recognise it. Awareness of it as it happens is the main first step to be honest. Are you, Am I, showing all the repeated patterns of assuming victim hood, or taking on the rescuer codependent role?  Have a think about why you assume that role? Continuing a path of self awareness might help you see this, do you seek perfection and then assume that if you dont take responsibility no one else could do it as well as you? or is it that you like to feel needed? or something else. Already though, if you can see the pattern you are more on there way to stepping out of the triangle than where you were before…on it.

Tombs in the Grove booklet (y40) suggests that by saying ‘Im not the victim’ or ‘ im not to be the rescuer’ (like usual) – them this creates options for saying no (to responsibility) and working out how the conflict/task can be managed elsewhere. If I am not a victim, and I have more power than I realise, then what action might I take?  If I do not see myself as rescuer, instead I am someone who works ‘with’ young people, not to rescue, then what might that cause you to do, say, behave and act differently?

Once you can see it, observe the pattern. Breathe and take your time in how you respond to things, Try not to become defensive, take responsibility (if you are assuming victim) and back off taking on more, if you are sliding into rescuer.

Get out of the FOG.

  1. Remember the acronym FOG. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt. If you feel any of those feelings, consistently, in a relationship, you are most likely dealing with a manipulator. You need to get out of the FOG.
  2. On the other hand, if you are trying to make another person feel Fearful, Obligated, or Guilty, you are the manipulator and are not operating with integrity. Be direct, honest, and seek help to communicate differently.  (Taken from this article, which gives 10 tips on how to remove yourself from the drama triangle) 

This article is also helpful – How to step out of the drama triangle

 

It can be so easy to talk in terms of the drama triangle even in the every day language of youthwork, maybe more in youth ministry, when theres a tendency to ‘fix’ and rescue the ‘lost’ young people, to take on the saviour complex for the community, the parish and the family who are ‘broken’. The drama triangle is nearly always the default language of the emotionally unhealthy. Its also evident in how ‘Boris saves’ Christmas and how the media portray many groups and situations. Drama is what the media thrive on…

Can we not view young people as not in need of our fixing, and gifted and our role to work with them, be with them instead?

Part of self awareness emotionally might be to see this, and how it plays out and step out of it.  How we deal with ourselves and conflict without resorting into ego roles, and resolving in a way in which both parties can win, is something we could and should be modelling in our organisations and then enabling young people to be good at conflict management too.

 

References

Y40 Grove Series, Ten essential concepts for Christian youth work.  (Nash, Whitehead)

Recovering from Emotionally immature Parents, by Lindsay C Gibson, 2019

Theres more on this on This Wikipedia site too 

Do have a look at the nurture development site to the right, for more on Asset based youth/community work.

 

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Reasons why youthworkers should go to therapy

On By JamesIn Discipleship, Youth ministry, Youthwork1 Comment

I did.

Think about the qualities of youth and community workers.

Generally. The ones that aren’t a walking ego in an empire building trip with no self reflection or awareness (the externalisers) are usually in it to change the world and make it a better place for others, the young people or the communities in which they serve. They often think about others before themselves – and van be reflected in poor self care, boundaries, time management and heading towards a number of issues that indicate codependency.

I went to therapy for myself. In the midst of alot of shit going on, unemployment, homelessness, and marriage separation. That was the end of tether that caused me to go. But I wish I had gone alot sooner. Like about 10 years sooner, maybe 15. In one way I realise how much emotional stuff I could hide, or not be aware of during my professional academic development, though its as true to say that the horror of it all was revealed in a big way the week after my graduation.

How does therapy work? What to expect | MHA Screening - Mental Health America

So thats me. I wonder what it would look like to have youthworkers who see a therapist – as a matter of continued emotional development and growth  – not just for when the proverbial shit has hit the fan.

Self awareness, was said to be one of the key components of being a good youth and community worker. Yet, I was able to hide. Without the keys of professional therapy, which I know I needed to do, and love myself to even go, those doors of emotional self awareness would have stayed firmly shut. I would hope that I didnt do any emotional damage to others, prior to all this, but I also know I could have been much better too.

What about the times when you feel like youre not doing enough? or Imposter syndrome? or how happy you are? or who you are, and how you cope with emotions, changes, reactions and challenges?  Youthworker, you are often doing an awful lot with high demands on your own emotional energy and resources – might that need a boost, space to grow too? 

I know that not everyone has a good experience of therapy, and not everyone can afford it, and I get that, really I do. I could it as a privilege that I have been able to afford two bouts of therapy including trauma therapy in the last 2 years. Some of the benefits to undergoing therapy, as well as the above, include:

  1. Getting a professional perspective on the stuff you are dealing with
  2. A completely safe space to talk – that isnt going to end up in the prayer meeting or have you wondering who knows
  3. Knowledge that the therapist in the main has done the work to then do the work with you.
  4. A sense that your therapist is for you. You are their priority and they want you to grow. They might be regarding you, as highly as you might be regarding young people.
  5. For me, the process of going was an opportunity to love myself, the process within also did that too.
  6. Understanding myself, and also trusting myself in terms of feelings, reactions, and becoming reconnected with my own self.
  7. It will model with young people that dealing with stuff thats deep isnt something to be afraid of.
  8. When they commend you, for your growth, it is such a lift.

In his book ‘A way of being’ Carl Rogers suggests that there are a number of values that someone who has undergone therapy will also highly regard afterwards

  • They move from facades, they tend to be less defensive
  • They move away from ‘oughts’ – A compelling feeling for ‘I ought to be doing this, or that, or who they ought to be
  • They tend to move away from meeting the expectations of others, and pleasing others is negatively valued. 
  • They tend to value being real, being themselves
  • Self direction is valued
  • Ones self, including feelings are positively valued
  • Being a process is valued – becoming even more aware of the process, not a fixation of fixedness (something reflective youthworkers will appreciate im sure) 
  • A value of inner and outer experiences, being open and attuned to inner reactions, feelings and emotions all become valued and preferred
  • Sensitivity to others is valued, appreciating others and themselves
  • Deep relationships with others are positively valued. All of a sudden, if it wasn’t there before, the client has a higher regard for depth, this meets their own deep needs. 

(Carl Rogers, A way of being, 1970)

It might be you read these and think, thats not for me, and that is fine. It may be that you have a preconceived idea of what therapy is or isnt and this might stop you pursuing it. Yes, for me it was about being at rock bottom, and about dealing with past stuff, so I get that I fit the stereotype twice, but, having felt and realised the benefits, I would urge other youth and community workers to consider therapy as an ongoing part of their personal and emotional development.

I was guilty of being theoretically a very good youthworker, but emotionally I was no where close. I was even a good supervisor of other youthworkers, then, but now I have more tools, strategies and awareness of myself for in that space. The same is said of when I have managed people and resources. I would honestly say that I am a vastly different person, and that makes me a vastly different youth and community worker, supervisor and manager as a result.

So for me, I dont put it all down to having undergone therapy. But I would say that I wouldn’t have got to where I am now, as a person, as me, without it. My encouragement is that for us to be the best we can be for the young people and communities, we have to be our best, whole, healed selves. Something in the pattern might have to change, and that might, and could be you. As youth and community workers we have to act as if we are ourselves valuable and not desperate, how on earth might young people realise this for themselves, if we dont model it?

Practice supervision, Spiritual director, life coaching.. might all be very good for you, and absolutely do them, but I just wonder whether professional therapy is whats actually required.. for you.

It’s not selfish to look after yourself, love yourself. Maybe now is the right time.

Why you might have a psychopath in your church

On By JamesIn Discipleship, Youthwork management2 Comments

Im serious.

Though, It’s fortunate that Peter Ball and Ben Field have had justice brought to them, I guess then everyone else can relax in the church now, because obviously there cant be any more dangerous abusive psychopaths in it any more. Now that these two have been dealt with, we can all take a breath and feel a warm sense of relief. Trump, the ultimate psychopath, has been revealed too, so we can all have a party, there cant be more psychopaths around can there…

Both of these were high profile UK cases in the media in 2019, and though Peter Ball did not have the word Psychopath attributed to him at the time, there was a focus on his actions, and the process of safeguarding at the time that was blamed for covering it up. That investigation is ongoing, as is an appeal being made by Ben Field too, so ill not say any more. Often the physical actions of someone is the story, rather than the personality disorder that also led to it, and justified it.

One of the problems about terms that get banded around a bit like Sociopath, Narcissist and Psychopath, is that they get over used and especially in the case of ‘Psychopath’ its attributed to actions like serious crimes like serial killings, murders, and then films that a ‘psychologically tense’ or Hannibal Lectern.

Last year I wrote this piece, 4 ways to deal with a narcissist , and I aimed it as the Media in dealing with politicians. I received a comment, a few in fact, that they wondered if this applied to churches as well, it does.

This article From Chuck Degroat, the Western seminary Michigan wrote this on the subject: Narcissism in Church

The problem with the cases above is that the psychopath has only been caught when they’ve committed something illegally obvious. Until that point they’ve been hidden in plain sight.

So, let me ask you, If you could name the personality characteristics of a psychopath (without googling it) what would you suggest? 

A clue: serial killing isnt one of them.

 

In his book ‘Surrounded by Psychopaths, 2017’ Thomas Eriksen says that psychopaths typically display these personality characterstics alot, or most of the time.

Glib or superficial charm, Grandiose (exaggeratedly his estimation of self, Lack of remorse or guilt, Callous and lack of empathy, Pathological lying, Cunning and manipulative, Shallow effect (superficial emotional responsiveness), poor behaviour controls, need for stimulation, irresponsible, early behaviour problems, anti social behaviour as an adult, parasitic lifestyle, sexual promiscuity, lack of realistic long terms goals, juvenile delinquency, breaking parole and criminal versatility.

Did you get any of these?

Eriksen says that many normal people display on an occasional basis one or two of these, and the adage remains, if you think you are psychopath that you really are not one. A psychopath is likely to display these things most of the time and especially as their core self.

 

What about Narcissism? now that you’re on a role with this, could you define that kind of behaviour?

Go on.. see how you get on with that one… list characteristics of someone who is narcissistic:

 

In her book ‘Children of the ageing Self absorbed’, Nina Brown describes someone who is narcissistic and self absorbed as someone who commonly reflects these attributes:

Grandiose, The impoverished self (plays victim and grandiose concurrently at times), Entitlement attitude, Attention seeking, Admiration hungry, Unique and special , Lack of empathy, Exploits others, Shallow emotions, Inappropriate sense of humour, emptiness at the core, extensions of self (others are extensions of control and to manipulate for own gain) and Envy/Jealousy.

 

How did you get on with these?

Did you notice some of the overlap? Understandably so. So let’s go back to the more sobering thought.

 

Can you see how someone who might be Psychopathic/Narcissistic might be able to hide, and retain a position of power in a church? 

I can.

Think about how they might be able to use words to manipulate people

Think about the way that they feel when they have power

Think about how they can confuse people into feeling guilty or worse still feigning confessions and seeking forgiveness/reconciliation. Others have to forgive them

Think of how blame, guilt and shame can be distributed.

Think of how they might be able to use the system for their own gain, and to hide.

 

This is why being a church/faith minister is one of the top 10 professions in which psychopaths reside.

According to Eriksen, It’s 8th on a list that only has CEO, police officer, journalist, surgeon, sales rep, lawyer and other media personnel above it.

The 8th most common place for a psychopath to reside is in a church.

The 8th.

Can you see how harmful it would be to have a psychopath leading a church? The problem is, they already do.

How would you know?  Well up until now, you probably didn’t. Because you weren’t looking for it, and you didn’t know.

 

 

Thats the one way to combat narcisisst/psychopath leaders, is self awareness. It’s education.

Even notice why the church in some areas has traditionally or even currently tried to reject personality traits like empathy or intuition?  Often its because those who pronounce this are trying to invalidate those who might be able to ascertain the hollowness of the accuser. Invalidating the empathic self aware is a great skill of the psychopath. Keeps them off the hook.

But what about the quantity factor… there cant be many of these people around – haven’t you tried to suggest that people are generally kind? 

Yes, I have, but think how many peoples lives are destroyed by just one psychopath?  Its like drinking the cider of one bad apple, or bad yeast that infects the whole loaf. In the case of clergy. They whole church, parish or town.  But dont worry, on one hand there won’t be many of them, but those that are will be causing damage.

Oh and also, I may have said that people are in the most part kind, but Rutger Bregman himself says that Power corrupts and that those who have risen to the top in organisations and societies often find ways of making sure that they stay there.

often they carry an energy to get to the top, through charm, a charisma. But they are watching you.

Usually by adjusting the checks and counter balances, by deflecting and avoiding and by being shameless, which makes for better news. Oh and a psychopath/narcissist is unlikely to feel shame or embarrassment. Why? because they dont care what other people think of them. They can’t tell jokes, read a room (unless to manipulate), and they will never blush. (Bregman, 2020)

Though, think if the damage just one psychopath could make?  There is still one lauded at the top of the political tree in america by religious leaders…

So – what can be done about it?

Well first you need to know what you are dealing with. Do the homework, research, books, articles on psychology today, therapist and counsellors on personality traits and behaviours. Talk to those who have been victims of this and hear their story. they know, they’ve been silent victims for years.  Know what it is you are dealing with, and know what it feels like to have had to live with one. Dont assume that because that person is in a role, that ‘they couldn’t be one’.

Self awareness is the first and best step to dealing with these people.

Because they will find a way of affecting you, they’ll prey on your politeness (cant say no to anyone), on your open loving time (there there, as they regail how they are the victim), they’ll gossip around spreading slander to everyone, whilst decreeing that gossip is ‘sinful’. They’ll try things like love bombing, playing on guilty conscience.

Both Harry Potter and Red dwarf describe the monster that lurks as the ‘shape shifter’ – in Red dwarf 3 its the polymorph, in Harry Potter it is the Boggart in the wardrobe. These are calculating monsters that prey on our heroes emotions. They have no form themselves, merely adapting to those around them to manipulate them

The brain of a psychopath: how people with psychopathic traits control their 'dark urges' | Neuroscience

Adapting so to feed and to kill. Harry knew how to deal with the Boggart, and eventually so did the Red Dwarf Crew. They had to stick together. When isolated the shape shifter can assume a form. It convulses when trying to manipulate two people in a room. Especially not someone who knows whats going on. Isolate a psychopath and you’ll be the one manipulated by them. They’ve seen you coming a mile off and have years of using every technique to get what they want.

They manipulate by assuming a form that catches their prey off guard, and going in for the kill.

They can be spotted though;

The lesser spotted, but highly dangerous psychopath, will often use phrases in a church like

‘Everyone else needs to…’ (but not me)

I’ts everyone else’s fault’ (the congregation, the manager, the community , and this is their script to everyone)

‘Im just trying to be a good vicar’ (they’re playing a role)

‘They make life so difficult for me’ (playing the victim)

‘you should have done…’ (projecting onto others)

‘everyone else is too sensitive’ (invalidating feelings)

‘They are the crazy one, the emotional one’ (invalidating those who are revealing them to others, often)

Try this: 5 ways to spot a Psychopath 

and ever notice how in ministry most things they do, dont work very well?

In ministry its as if their falseness doesn’t create an environment where people will do the things that make things work. In short, they might be as noticed by a failing ministry. They are also noticed by when they enter a room that people feel chills, not warmth. They dont feel the things they say. Often weaponising scripture to get others to do things, act or react, and nothing like what the original intentions were. Often they appear as the kind of person who is a ‘divisive’ character… because that’s what they thrive on. Division. They will do or say shocking things that make you numb. (like stealing, or verbal abuse)

If anything they leave you cold, abused and taken from; Other people are there to serve their ministry. It’s about entitlement remember. They are jealous of other churches, though they’ll give a reason why they dont compare/compete. They will deny all of these things too.

The other good thing is that their tactics are the same. They are so predictable. Seek out weaknesses, play victim, then accuse others of ‘ganging up’ or ‘betraying them’. Same tactics, same patterns. Never take any responsibility.

If the words psychopath and narcissist are too strong, then lets just go for emotionally abusive, coercive and manipulative.

Im just wondering how all the checks, balances and safeguarding in the church can prevent such toxic people in ministry (they can be forgiven or given grace, they’re too dangerous) , and for where they currently are, causing emotional distress behind a wall of power filled practice.

As the film Spotlight (2016) showed, it takes a whole village to raise a child, and a whole village to abuse one. It also took a whole team of private investigators, lawyers and press to expose the truth, that had all been covered up. It will take a whole church, and even whole families to be believed when they just know the emotionally abusive danger that one person brings. It’ll only take one psychopath to destroy a church. Thats because ultimately thats how many stories with psychopaths end. Death.

And everyone still alive around the psychopath will become trapped in a cycle of co-dependency.

Oh and if you think you can confront them afterwards? then no, because their already full armour of weapons (lying, denial, blame, being victim) are all wonderful attributes to take on after the event. The emotionally immature/narcissist exist in a kind of time that is different to everyone else. They only do in the moment the strategic best thing for themselves, with no thought of the consequences to others I wrote about this more in this post. So they do not care who and how they lie so that their behaviour remains hidden. Often they are in there system already so that they know how it works.

The good thing, is that if you’re reading this and think or worry that you are psychopath then, already your self awareness means that you aren’t one. And youre now more educated about them than you were before. the challenge for churches, is to spot them, or to prevent them from getting positions of power in the first place.

The issue is to realise is what would it take to reveal them. Often they reveal themselves. The rest of the time its about not being scared of them when they’ve elicited your trauma response in the past. Like Harry had to overcome the dementors. Often they reveal themselves as they value the same traits in other psychopaths.

I urge you to resist banding around terms, because in that way the actual genuine people who are psychopaths can hide even more, in the same way, as churches and in ministry we have to do more to raise awareness, to follow instincts and feelings about people and to have better ways of preventing and identifying psychopaths within ministry.

Time to wake up church, and notice that the devils are more likely to be within.  (usually as they proclaim that everyone else is the problem)

I have written a follow up piece, on seeing the patterns of their behaviour, that is here:

 

References

Surrounded by Psychopaths (Thomas Eriksen, 2017)

Dealing with the Aging self absorbed (Nina Brown, 2016)

Humankind (Rutger Bregman, 2020)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Jk Rowling, 1999), Red Dwarf series 3.

The Film:  Spotlight (2015)

Codependency no more , Melody Beattie (1988)

Adult children of Emotionally immature parents, Lindsay Gibson 2016

A more extensive article, 20 signs to spot a psychopath is here

Dear Youthworker; You are more important than you realise.

On By JamesIn Youth ministry, Youthwork, Youthwork managementLeave a comment

I was so nervous today. I had to make one of those really difficult decisions and choices. It was hard. Really hard to do.

It was out of my comfort zone.

I had the usual build up, the worry, the ‘what will others think of me’ thoughts.

I had to just do it.

But it was difficult.

And it was this.

I had to say no to someone. 

I had to say no to someone, and also say ‘yes’ to myself.

I had to say no to someone, and also say ‘my time is important’

and. it . was. ok.

But it was hard. Hard to value myself. Hard to say no.

In my last two posts I have asked the question about youth workers and codependency, and churches and organisations too.

The presiding message in them is that as youth workers we may recognise that we are more codependent than we realise in the way we act, the way we believe in ourselves, and the way in which we make decisions of our time. Ultimately its about what or who we value.

So, let me look you in the eye, yes you, and ask you the question

Who is the most important person in your youth work/ministry?

The wrong answers include..

The church

The Church elders/minister

The young people

The organisation, my boss

God

My partner/spouse

 

Can you answer this question and actually say, that you, you the youthworker reading this, are the most important person? 

Because you are. 

You are the most important person in the youth work. 

You. 

but…. but…

nope. not something else. You.

So it’s time to believe this. If you don’t already.

Its time to act like you believe this too.

Because if you dont value yourself and act like you are important, then other people around you won’t. You’ll be the doormat that everyone treads on.

You’ll be the one that is exhausted caring about other people more than yourself. And that, if you believe in Jesus, isnt what Jesus said. He said love your neighbour as you love yourself. The two are linked.

Love yourself means value yourself.

You are the most important person in your youth/community work.

It is more than ‘self-care’ because this is the stuff that underpins it. How you value and see yourself. How you love yourself.

So, learn to say no, to others and yes to yourself.

Learn to value your own time, and not feel guilty about it.

Learn to give yourself permission

Know the difference between being present with people, and controlling them , helping beyond what’s actually good to do.

Learning not to have to react to every situation that needs a helpful person in it, or that ‘only’ you can do well. 

Learn to respond, not react. 

Youthworker/ community worker/ minister… breathe. You are doing, and being already amazing. Stop. 

You are important. 

Your feelings are important. 

Your heart is important. 

Your life is important. You only have this one. 

Your soul is important. 

You are enough. More than enough. 

Time to act like you believe it. And fake it until it feels natural. 

 

Is Co-dependency an issue in Youth Ministry?

On By JamesIn Discipleship, Youth ministry, Youthwork3 Comments

Have you ever heard the following said?

The children need us, and we need them

Said by an individual about their own children? or maybe even by a youth worker or volunteer, who is about to, or hasn’t been able to do their ‘usual’ holiday club this summer.

Or what about the following:

We need you to do what you can so that we don’t collapse

This could be when members of one organisation or group project responsibility onto another one, it could be local branches of a national or regional group

I like to feel needed

It has taken me a while to write this blog.

I first encountered the term ‘Codependency’ as part of my own healing and therapy process, and the more discovered it, the more I wanted to read up a bit more on it before writing something. Christelle wrote about Codependency here, in this very honest, vulnerable blog, she referred to books by Melody Beattie, two of which I have now read and recommend.

One of the main problems with talking about Codependency is that the definitions do vary a bit.

But the main gist of all the definitions relates to the following. Having a personal identity that revolves around being needed by others, or meeting their needs. As Melody Beattie writes : “one fairly common denomination of every codependent was having a relationship personally or professionally with troubled, needy or dependant people” She writes about a second denominator too, and ive written more about that on my other blog, about ‘rules‘ that govern the codependent from a personal perspective. But lets keep this one professional shall we..

Melodys definition of Codependent is : ‘Someone who has let another persons behaviour affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that persons behaviour’ (Codependent no more, p 34)

‘Codependency means.. that im a caretaker’ wrote one contributor to Melodys book, and that is just it. We have as a human race existed in communities and cared about each other, and gone further and given help when help wasn’t needed (so that the giver can feel better), and then there’s the whole thing about charity and co-dependancy/alleviating guilt..

How many youth workers do you know have thought or felt this? Maybe it’s you.

“I suspect co-dependants have historically attacked social justice and fought for the rights of the underdog, Codependants want to help. I suspect they have helped. but they probably died thinking that they didn’t do enough and were feeling guilty” (Thomas Wright in Codependancy, An emerging issue)

going on to say..

“It is natural to want to protect and help the people we care about. It is also natural to be affected by and react to the problems of people around us. As a problem becomes more serious and remains unresolved, we become more affected and react more intensely to it”

Friendly, trying to be helpful youth worker.. recognise yourself? Well I recognise myself first. Ive been known to pile in to the emotional shitstorm that others have got waiting, and try and help. I have been known to over think, over care for the drama in a young persons life. It was what I was good at, for at least. Reacting to people, young people who are destroying themselves, reacting by also destroying myself.

But what about you? Ever heard yourself get a high when you ‘helped a young person’ when actually they didnt need it, and the ‘solution’ was what you wanted, not them? Ever felt a high when you got drained listening? Or not slept because ‘your young person’s concerns are on your mind. If we’re trying to fix young people, then our young people consume us. They’re not ours to fix (thats codependency) and fixing them.. maybe thats for them to do..

I learned the hard way, that a path of empowerment meant that other people didnt make my decisions for me. As a youthwoker we maybe need to step into that space of empowerment again and realise what it means on an emotional level. Because what it does is help with distance, choice and autonomy.

Can you think of other ways in which you might show signs of codependancy? What about how your organisation/agency, relates to another? could funding be used to manipulate, breed a dependancy of skills or resources? Often in organisations there reactive aspects become codependent, and have at their helm unpredictable abusive narcissist leaders, sometimes sociopathic, those who dont stick to meeting agendas, cause diversions and division and who feel empty between the eyes, not so much empathy. So it may not just be you individually but also you collectively. When you see it, you see it everywhere.

So, if thats Co-dependancy, what about Inter-dependency?

The dictionary defines this as : ‘two or more things depending on each other’

This seems almost similar. But it isn’t is it. There is a big difference.

Its about power and equality. Interdependency is two or more things depending on each other, it is more mutual. It is give and take, or both giving, sharing, both recipient and receiver. Symbiosis might be a good term also, there is a mutuality.

Humans that are interdependent do not lose themselves in the other, they gain with the other, as both mutually share and give.

Interdependency is about a person having agency to make their own choices, fulfil their needs and hurts and use their gifts in a way that they choose to. Codepedency is when the ‘helper’ chooses all of this for them. Thats where codependency controls, even if from the purest of intentions.

If we’re working too many hours and working in a way that exhausts you because ‘your’ young people need you to be available all the time, then you might want to reflect on whether codependency is something you are being. The first step to dealing with it is to realise it. The second step is to start to create boundaries, after starting to love, and value yourself. Not just your time.

A codependent youth worker, is a burnout exhausted one. It is also one that will only damage young people even more.

If we can see young people as not in need of us – and as gifted, and that we seek to empower – not coercively control – and use language that maintains these things, then we can at least embed interdependence, agency and autonomy into our practice, and not feel like we are dependent on them to do the work, and make us happy as a result.

Codependency might be such an easy trap for us all to fall in, especially if were empathy on legs at times, and especially if ‘need’ is the dominant narrative around young people, and societies need to fix. We can become the superhero.

In the new normal, what can we do to change co-dependency tendencies in youth ministry – to empower young people to be interdependent?

If you’re interested in more on this, my next post looks at churches and whether they actively encourage codependancy.

Jean Vanier says this: founder of the L’Arche communities, has written,

“To love someone is not first of all to do things for them, but to reveal to them their beauty and value, to say to them through our attitude: ‘You are beautiful. You are important. I trust you. You can trust yourself.’ We all know well that we can do things for others and in the process crush them, making them feel that they are incapable of doing things by themselves. To love someone is to reveal to them their capacities for life, the light that is shining in them.”

 

References

Codependent no more – Melody Beattie 1986

Beyond Codependency – Melody Beattie 1989

You are f****** brilliant

On By JamesIn Discipleship, Youthwork1 Comment

Can I tell you a secret?

You are fucking brilliant.

and, so am I.

You are.

Just you.

Amazing you.

You care.

You hope

You respond

You do magical things

You create

You are

you.

You are fucking brilliant.

Just want to tell you.

Just want you to hear

Just want you to know

Just want it to sink in

Tell the doubters to _____ off.

You are better than they think of you

You are better than the media thinks of you.

You are beautiful, just the way you are.

You are.

Be you.

Care less about how you think youre meant to be

yes, care less.

You, it all you need to be.

Be grateful for you.

You are gifted

You inspire.

You are good enough. You really are.

Be proud

Be you.

Love.

Love yourself.

Thats you.

Fucking brilliant you.

Stillness in the storm

On By JamesIn Context, Discipleship, Mission, Theodrama1 Comment

For the last 5 weeks I have been ‘hosting’ a period of silence on my live on facebook page, on a Wednesday at around 7pm, and on most days during the lockdown ive given silent space to do the morning or evening prayer from there Celtic prayer book.

A space to be truly still.

A space in which the newsfeed stops.

Silence is dangerous dont you think?

Makes you confront the reality.

Makes you begin to heal.

Silence.

Theres a busyness that distracts.

Have you comprehended what silence might mean over the last 8 weeks?  Could you cope with it?

Even in the ‘lockdown’ have you embraced the constant busyness? And I know, for many that’s not been a choice, for many others the lockdown is about survival and finding the next meal. I know.

Comforting old TV, Netflix, zoom quizzes, …have you stopped at all? Kept busy, kept going.

trust me, I know it well. Ive avoided dealing with the shit in the past, because I kept busy, and I told you all. My reality was hitting me fast that year.

What kind of thinking and feeling have you allowed yourself to do – in the space you might have had?

Silence is dangerous.

Silence is cheap.

Silence doesn’t buy a Netflix upgrade.

Silence doesnt take.

Silence gives.

Take a breath. Go on. Beautiful Human you.

honestly. its ok.

Stop.

Let the silence speak.

Silence may teach you more than noise ever will.

Silence may show you.

Let it.

Feel the you, be you.

Protect silence. Protect your time.

Be still.

Allow it of yourselves.

In the storm, Be still..

And yet the silence scares, the silence is feared. Must stay busy. Must avoid feeling guilty. Avoid feeling like im not doing anything.

And in that space realise who you actually are. Feel your heart beat. Listen to your soul. Confront the voices of unreason, and start to heal. Be the you you are created to be.

Love silence. Love yourself.

Let the divine be heard, deep;

 

 

‘In every one lies a zone of solitude that no human intimacy can fill; and there God encounters us’ (Brother Roger of Taize)

 

Sometimes the noise in the storm is worse than the storm itself.

Sometimes the noise is the storm we were meant to deal with all along.

 

 

There is a contemplative in all of us,

Almost strangled but still alive,

who craves quiet enjoyment of the Now

and longs to touch the seamless

garment of silence

which makes

us

whole. (Alan Torey)

 

 

Loving ourselves, facing ourselves,

in an old world fighting to return

is to be still

to be.

Not to avoid the storm, but to be still in the storm.

Dancing in the rain is too distracting.

Dancing when we can finally, truly, be who we are.

Alive, beautiful human. Alive.

‘Be at peace, not in pieces’ (Paulo Coelho)