Category: Youthwork

How did unhealed Trauma affect my Youthwork?

On By JamesIn Youth ministry, Youthwork, Youthwork managementLeave a comment

I can honestly say that all of these affected my youthwork practice, they were going to, they affected my whole life.

The strange thing was that I thought all of these things were normal.

And that there was no way of not having all of these.

But that’s what Trauma did to me.

Thats what being brought up by a psychopath did to me.

So. How did my youthwork suffer?

I avoided risks at times. I became paralysed and stuck in situations, over thinking them to the extreme. I still do this, a bit, but nothing like what I used to do

I feared the worst. I was cynical.

I wanted and needed external validation, from safe people. Yet, avoided the limelight at others. Though, what I also realised that in abusive relationships this didnt happen.

I put others needs ahead of my own, thinking it was Biblical and ethical.., but in fact it was detrimental. The fact is, that I didnt even know my own needs. I couldn’t even articulate them.

I avoided accountability, because I didn’t want someone else to ask me the questions. I had to keep a barrier. And if they did id articulate good theoretical questions out of it

And dont talk about boundaries. I had none. I didnt even know what boundaries until I learned about healthy ministry in 2017, and that was to teach others. I was an open door.

I think in my personal life and relationships the aspects that were also apparent were the non dealing with conflict, low self esteem, shame, and tolerating abusive behaviour from others. That was part of my internalising self, not seeing abuse whilst still in it.

And no I wouldn’t stand up for myself. Couldn’t at times. I felt as though I had nothing to defend or protect. I was there just for others.

Im not going to talk about Codependency here much, but I so though that ‘fixing’ people, ‘rescuing them’, over empathy and trying to meet their needs was normal, and the right thing. My codependency saw this as the place to be happy, writing this now and I realise how trauma was affecting me. But how also my upbringing, and faith, had sustained it too.

(Ive written more on Codependency here, Is Codependancy an issue in Youth Ministry ? )

In my last piece I described how I realised that unhealed trauma affected my youth work. I hope in this piece to share a little bit of how.

What about you, do you recognise any of the aspects above? Can you trace any of your current behaviour on trauma that may need to be healed?

It can be done, trust me on this, and it is definitely worth it, the earlier the better too, dont wait until the life crisis to sort it out, you may well avoid a life crisis by doing so now.

How might trauma be affecting you? The best thing you can do for yourself, your young people, your family, is to deal with you.

‘Youth worker, heal thyself’ (Acknowledging how trauma affected my practice)

On By JamesIn YouthworkLeave a comment

Its a reasonable thing to say, that you were probably working with young people as a way of compensating from the broken childhood that you had

(My Therapist)

I was always aware that I had a number of people to be grateful for, for being the youth leaders, supportive adults to me during my own teenage life, and there’s no doubt that these people inspired me.

What I realised a few weeks ago, and this piece has taken a little while to write, is the extent to which not only was I being a youth worker to try and overcome the emotional deficit in my own life and childhood, but that, my youth work practice emerged from my own trauma.

What do I mean?

I mean that most of my working life and personal life was spent distracting from, running from, hiding from the emotional abuse of my past. I mean that unhealthily I didn’t deal or confront things, they felt too large, too raw, too much. Better to do, to work, to be busy, to keep trying to please, to keep trying to make others happy, to think, to give, to run.

I really hope I didnt damage anyone.

But I also know I ran from challenging situations, or places where I felt unsafe.

And I had no boundaries. I was an open door for the perpetually wounded and victim.

In other moments though, I loved the danger and uncertainty of the streets.

Regardless though, me being a youth worker stemmed from my own trauma, and in the main I managed to hide it.

I recognise that I grew up an evangelical codependent, with a traumatised scared heart.

Maybe we all carry something of a traumatic past around with us, its in our bodies after all (Kolk, 2014).

Maybe its a question we could all ask – What about our youth work practice stems from our own hurts?

Its not a question I would have wanted to.

Not sure anyone would have wanted to, to be honest.

I write this not as an expert on trauma, and probably not even an expert on myself, and thats not the point. What id like to think though, is that getting closer to the trauma, and working through trauma therapy, as a starting point has enabled me to heal. Running from it, and compensating for it, even with good intentions, was never going to heal it or heal me, or enable me to develop emotionally healthier practices.

(if you would like to read about my survival story, you can do so on my other website here: http://www.appropriateacting.wordpress.com)

What if we are honest with ourselves? I wasn’t for decades.

I just kept going, trying to fix others, and ignore the heart pain in myself.

The grown up child, that left the child behind. It wasn’t that I enjoyed the table tennis to stay a ‘child’ …though at times…

I could have fun with other children and young people, and maybe that was giving me something healing in itself.

‘I like to feel needed’ I once said.

And getting alongside young people and ‘trying to help’ them, being empathetic, compassionate, was a good thing right..?

Theres nothing wrong with that… is there.. ? Well…actually, thats called Codependancy.

I recognise now that my Youthwork was delivered and done from a place of deep wounds and trauma.

Its only now that I can see it. I wouldn’t have wanted to confront it during.

I needed to be in a safe place to do so.

I needed to see it, and want to deal with it.

What are you hiding my youth worker friend, as you read this? What are you hiding from, what’s aching deep within, thats trying to tell you something?

The breakdown might be the beginning of the onion skins peeling their way off, and the inner you, the real self starting to want to find its voice.

Youthworker, heal thyself? Thats what I had to do, thats what I’m so glad I did.

(Its definitely one reason why id advocate youth ministers and any ministers going to therapy)

Stories of Youth Worker Burnout #ycwchat (*doesn’t just apply to youth workers)

On By JamesIn Context, Discipleship, Youth ministry, Youthwork, Youthwork management, Youthwork MethodsLeave a comment

 

On Monday 1st March , the theme of the twitter chat (#ycwchat) was ‘Burnout’ .

It was by one of the most contributed to chats, and it was suggested that I write up the responses to the questions that were given. I have tried to include every response, as it was said in the chat and I’ve included all the contributors at the end of this piece.

Many will sadly relate. Many will relate in many forms of ministry. Many are not in roles because of it.

 

Responses to this included:

  • I think I now see it as when I am unable to function at a healthy level. When I notice lots of unhealthy tendencies creeping in I know I’m close to burn out. The enneagram has been helpful in understanding when that is better.

  • Burnout is a state of overwhelm that leaves me unable to function other than to do the absolute minimum. It is usually a result of overwork, or an inability to distinguish where work should stop and rest should begin, over an extended period of time

  • Unhealthy levels of work, stress and bad habits. Busy doing stuff without achieving anything. Not going tadks full attention

 

  • Yes, i only recognised it after the event, it was a state of constant adrenaline, caffeine dependency and brain fog. Felt constantly under pressure.

    • (which was replied with) : I think often we don’t see it (esp 1st time around) until afterwards… So hard to spot it for ourselves until we know what it feels like – 

  • Yes. So many signs. But I remember coming home from a totally positive, normal pastoral chat with a young person and just sitting on my hall floor and crying for two hours. Then found that was happening most days.

  • Yes, 1st time 8 years ago when I was doing too much (understatement, really!). I had a distinct moment of ‘Oh shit, I am not OK’ in my local shopping centre, I felt utterly overwhelmed & unable to think straight. My brain was catastrophising & in full on panic mode

  • I didn’t realise it at first. I understood ‘burn out’ as not able to do anything at all, took me a while to realise you can have a slow burn out. Really wish I’d understood what to look out for, I’m really keen to read about it.

  • Never officially told it was burnout, but in retrospect makes situational sense. constant anxiety, insomnia, chest pains (A&E multiple times), brain fog, panic attacks etc.

 

  • Too many expectations on youthworkers, and not a culture of being able to say ‘No’ and create boundaries, also very little awareness on emotional health, eg codependency.. these are also things that I might add

  • Not having strong relationships with other organisations to support your work with young people. Being able to discuss, share and meaningfully connect young people to a network of resources and opportunities gives you as a worker a sense of community and connection too

  • Overwork, poor supervision and for me constantly justifying my role as I was on a 1 year contract    (think that’s another thing about the setting up of a role, needs to have some security as well as good supervision and decent salary etc… )

  • Lack of ability to solve systemic problems that you are seeing or affect structural change. Lack of control over working conditions. (and, poor management and supervision). And related: trying to be young people’s functional savior.

  • It’s going to be diff for diff people bc what’s overwhelming for some isn’t for others. In my case it was an inability to say no along with the approach of ‘if you want something done, ask a busy person’. I had also had a run of life changing events medically, Which I hadn’t given time to process properly & consider their impact before plunging back into ‘normal’.

  • Mine was not having clinical supervision. had supervision, but it was no at the level needed for working with YP with multiple needs and Mental Health stuff going on

  • Workaholic ministry culture. Often I’ve seen this modelled by clergy, and expected of them by their workers, without understanding that workers lack the autonomy and positional power of the clergy person, so gets more toxic as a lifestyle as it’s passed down….

    • We are FAR too quick to idolise ‘being busy’, but I’ve also seen books written, by men, on how 2b not busy. One I started but had to put it down as it was SO obvious that his ‘not being busy’ was supported by others around him (likely a woman/wife) doing all the things he wasn’t
    • poor management and supervision practice and relationships also play into this. And, frankly, gender/race/age dynamics can too
    • I’ve sat and chatted with curates who are struggling desperately with the exact same dynamic, desperately waiting until they’re free and get to BE the incumbent. I’ve tried to help them see that for youthworkers, they never have the hope of that way out.
    • So exploring power dynamics and agency on both counts is critical. There is a lot of ‘unboundaried’ practices and conversations.
    • Yes. And by the times curates get around to be the incumbents, they have quite possibly internalised unhealthy ways of functioning – if not for themselves, in what they expect from others.

 

  • Having very rigid structures that don’t allow for things to change when they need to change
    • Oh goodness me YES! Managing change is another thing, like conflict management, that should be part of a manager or supervisor’s toolkit but too often it isn’t there..

  • Poor Management and Supervision

  • *so* many insightful answers to A3 (thanks all). For me, it is often a mix of ‘white knight’ complexes, poor resources, lack of positive role models and a complete inability to say ‘no’.

  • Lack of care and dignity in the support offered to workers through difficult or intense situations

  • An inability to say no! Taking on too much responsibility. Thinking that everything depends on you. Trying to be the saviour and not the midwife

  • YES all of this for me too… There’s definitely all the stuff about poor supervision & management but there’s also this feeling of all the responsibility, it’s unhealthy but I think I might have been quite difficult to manage/supervise!!…..I was a dream for most line management in that I could not say ‘no I don’t think that fits with my role’ but if anyone had tried 2 say ‘you’re very busy, are you sure you want to add this?’ I would prob have ignored it. Now learned 2 ask that qu of myself & loved ones

    • Supervisors have responsibility and cannot opt out. What we did 1,5,10,20 year’s ago is different. Experience can teach wisdom.

 

  • Developing sustainable rhythms. This has been a gamechanger (til COVID ruined it). Scheduling rest and downtime regularly for before we really feel the need for it. Resisting the busyness culture that sometimes feels like it judges a refusal to negotiate about rest

  • Setting up proactive relationships with people able to speak into the doing/resting dynamic, and who have permission to (gently) rebuke me if I am taking too much on.

  • YES and YES… I really struggle to hold the work/rest boundaries but I know that if I don’t I crash quickly (bc of a combo of previous burnout & medical issues that have reduced my capacity). I love my work so stopping it is hard

  • After burning out for the first time i reflected (eventually, when I finally admitted I’d burnt out) on why it had happened and what had triggered it. Also (not wanting to mention it again) deepening my understanding of self through the enneagram

  • Running and being ruthlessly attuned to early warning signals in my body. Proactively setting boundaries (boundaries are kind!) and trying to work on not fixing situations out of an overblown sense of responsibility.

  • I’ve recognised it’s not all on me to be resilient & so have become much more discerning about who I work for, ensuring they have robust trauma informed systems of care in place & a culture that promotes wellbeing. A luxury many don’t have I know.

 

  • I took a full break from everything for a short time, then went back to work but carried on a break from volunteer youth role, eventually a yr later left the church where I had been volunteering……longer term I have the phrase ‘you are not indispensible’ written in as many places as I can think of, & although I’ve not completely avoided it again (in another volunteer position!), I am able to spot the signs and am more able to step away

  • Counselling, mentoring, left the role after it became clear that the external factors couldn’t change to a workable level, got a different and WAY more healthy job (actually worked only 4days a week for a year or so after, with really good line management and support)

  • I think I was saved by virtue of being forced to take 3 months paternity leave half a year in. It was enough of an emergency brake for my brain to kick back into gear. Then longer term: actively seeking out people who ask awkward questions, also more broadly, I found reading around the area of Family Systems Theory helped me understand how I was functioning within an organisation.

  • I am struck by how many variations of ‘kind of forced to stop for a while’ there are in the answers (would be mine too). Putting everything down and then carefully choosing what to pick up again can be real wisdom.

  • spoke to people, became more honest with myself, created a little more space, started spiritual direction (one of the best ministry decisions I’ve ever made)

  • being kinder to self. Realising my limitations. Connecting.

  • Offering spaces for soul and physical card like retreats.

  • I learned that while I can DO ANYTHING, I can’t do ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME, or even some of the time… I learned that I am not, nor at any point should I be, indispensible. And I learned to say NO, some of the time at least..

  • Share the load, both work load and talk about the burdens.

  • All those non-sexy things that people say you should learn (conflict management, time management, self-reflection)…you should probably make time to learn!

  • One final thing, and I am very cautious about saying this as I know some people are in really horrible work conditions and I don’t want to minimise that, but…a lot of the time when I am frustrated at conditions ‘out there’, it is a sign that something is not right within me.

  • yup – I think I have more empathy with others who are struggling and/or not showing themselves in their best light.

  • That I’m human! Also the need to take time out for self-care and soul-carespend more time reflecting.

  • Put a team together carefully and prayerfully. Realise my limitations

This summary comment appeared. It kind of sums it all up doesn’t it?

First time I’ve joined #ycwchat and really both saddened and encouraged by so many knowledgable responses on Youth Worker Burnout. Thanks for sharing.

 

Thank you to all who responded to this conversation, including Jenni Osborn, Sally Nash, Mike Rutt, Dean Pusey, Sarah Long, James Yates, David Bunce, Melanie, CrommWhitt, Jen Johnson, Andy Campbell, Nicky Hill.

Youthworker – Do you need to step out of the drama triangle?

On By JamesIn Context, Youth ministry, Youthwork, Youthwork management, Youthwork MethodsLeave a comment

Hey Youth and community worker, do you know about the drama triangle?

No?

Well, here it is:

This version is taken from this article ‘Are you stuck in a Drama triangle’  

The Drama triangle, first identified by Stephen Karpman in 1968, is a model that describes the interplay of three stereotypical egotistical roles people take up the heat of the moment, in conflict. (Tombs, Joel in Grove Youth Series, Y40)

The question I have for you, after you have had a look at it above, is, do you recognise where you put yourself on the triangle lines in any of your youthwork practice?  For example:

Do you appeal to being the victim to your trustees and governance?

Do you see young people as ‘victims’ and in need of rescue? 

Do you want be the saviour to ‘fix’ the church? or wider society? 

Are the young people displaying challenging behaviour and disrupting your youth group? 

What do you communicate to funders? 

 

So much about our practice can be about being in or resolving conflict that at times wearing the cloak of one of these roles, or assuming into one of them can be common place. When it happens Swords and sides are drawn.

What about the ‘roles’

What happens when we assume roles of rescuer and fixer to young people?  We are saying that they are unable to ‘fix’ themselves without us.. and this leads to codependency . It puts the over onus on you to assume all the responsibility for everything. Most of the time you’ll be spinning 27 plates anyway, so one more isnt going to hurt..is it…. is it..??

 

in the role of ‘rescuer’ you are very likely to forego your own needs. You are too busy plate spinning, rescuing and keeping the show on the road, whether project, church, group, ministry, charity, to attend to yourself. Often thriving in the drama. Its probably where you thrive, until you burn out. (My next blog is on burnout)

 

Alternatively, you could assume the role of the persecutor, though this is unlikely, you’re more likely to judge others as this and assume being a victim…. however the person who is the persecutor/or who assumes this role, is likely to think that it is everyone else fault. This person does not take any responsibility for their feelings, needs and actions. Some might say narcissist. They can become dominating, controlling, aggressive, angry, critical, and highly manipulative. They fear being the victim, which restricts them from being vulnerable, and love nothing more than powerfully tearing people apart and exposing others weaknesses to prove themselves correct.  In assuming a victim role, is this what your governance really are? Probably not. Or… might you actually work with a church leader, manager, CEO who is like this? It is possible, actually it is.

 

Assuming the role of victim, if you do this, or you see young people in this light, then that person is viewed as the following:

  • Victims are not fully in touch with their own needs, therefore they do not voice them assertively
  • As such, the victim role is associated with feeling powerless, depressed, oppressed, ashamed, hopeless, victimised, dependent, sad, or angry
  • These feelings may be used to guilt-trip others
  • Often they will look for a rescuer, someone to save them from their circumstances/victimhood
  • They may also unconsciously look for a Persecutor (see below) to validate their own victimhood
  • Due to their feelings of helplessness, they will often struggle to make hard decisions or take action to solve their own problems
  • Victims find their power in their belief that they are blameless.  (These point are taken from this article) 

 

If you see yourself as a victim in a situation, then as the above suggests, playing powerless is your game. How many times do we consider ourselves as youthworkers to be the oppressed group? Its like that joke about the lightbulb. We’d rather cope in the darkness, than take power and switch on the lightbulb.

Can you see how none of these roles are in any way healthy?  or could lead to satisfactory outcomes in conflict or youth practices?

So if this is the drama triangle, how do we get out of it..?

Well the first thing is to see it and recognise it. Awareness of it as it happens is the main first step to be honest. Are you, Am I, showing all the repeated patterns of assuming victim hood, or taking on the rescuer codependent role?  Have a think about why you assume that role? Continuing a path of self awareness might help you see this, do you seek perfection and then assume that if you dont take responsibility no one else could do it as well as you? or is it that you like to feel needed? or something else. Already though, if you can see the pattern you are more on there way to stepping out of the triangle than where you were before…on it.

Tombs in the Grove booklet (y40) suggests that by saying ‘Im not the victim’ or ‘ im not to be the rescuer’ (like usual) – them this creates options for saying no (to responsibility) and working out how the conflict/task can be managed elsewhere. If I am not a victim, and I have more power than I realise, then what action might I take?  If I do not see myself as rescuer, instead I am someone who works ‘with’ young people, not to rescue, then what might that cause you to do, say, behave and act differently?

Once you can see it, observe the pattern. Breathe and take your time in how you respond to things, Try not to become defensive, take responsibility (if you are assuming victim) and back off taking on more, if you are sliding into rescuer.

Get out of the FOG.

  1. Remember the acronym FOG. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt. If you feel any of those feelings, consistently, in a relationship, you are most likely dealing with a manipulator. You need to get out of the FOG.
  2. On the other hand, if you are trying to make another person feel Fearful, Obligated, or Guilty, you are the manipulator and are not operating with integrity. Be direct, honest, and seek help to communicate differently.  (Taken from this article, which gives 10 tips on how to remove yourself from the drama triangle) 

This article is also helpful – How to step out of the drama triangle

 

It can be so easy to talk in terms of the drama triangle even in the every day language of youthwork, maybe more in youth ministry, when theres a tendency to ‘fix’ and rescue the ‘lost’ young people, to take on the saviour complex for the community, the parish and the family who are ‘broken’. The drama triangle is nearly always the default language of the emotionally unhealthy. Its also evident in how ‘Boris saves’ Christmas and how the media portray many groups and situations. Drama is what the media thrive on…

Can we not view young people as not in need of our fixing, and gifted and our role to work with them, be with them instead?

Part of self awareness emotionally might be to see this, and how it plays out and step out of it.  How we deal with ourselves and conflict without resorting into ego roles, and resolving in a way in which both parties can win, is something we could and should be modelling in our organisations and then enabling young people to be good at conflict management too.

 

References

Y40 Grove Series, Ten essential concepts for Christian youth work.  (Nash, Whitehead)

Recovering from Emotionally immature Parents, by Lindsay C Gibson, 2019

Theres more on this on This Wikipedia site too 

Do have a look at the nurture development site to the right, for more on Asset based youth/community work.

 

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Launched today! Buy me a coffee!

On By JamesIn YouthworkLeave a comment

I know, I know… its a typical Youthworker cliche that all we do is hang around coffee shops and have meetings…. and maybe all we do during lockdown is do that..but on zoom

From today, you can help me out, you can support ‘Learning from the Streets’ (and my other blog ‘Healing for Men) by buying me a coffee!

So, as you are reading my articles, and maybe drinking coffee at the same time, you can now make a direct donation to me via the KO-FI site, following the link below

Please do support Learning from the Streets if you can

Just click here to Buy me a coffee! 

Thank you, your support is appreciated!

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From Isolation to Community; 5 questions with Author Jenni Osborn

On By JamesIn Context, Youthwork, Youthwork management, Youthwork Methods, Youthwork StoriesLeave a comment

From Isolation to Community: Youth Work in the Covid Era and Beyond by [Jenni Osborn]

 

 

In the month of the release of her new book, From Isolation to Community: Youthwork in the Covid era and beyond, I caught up with my friend Jenni Osborn to ask her about what the book is about, and what readers of it can expect, here are my 5 questions with Jenni I hope you enjoy!

So Jenni, What’s It About?

The book is about youth work during covid, it tells the story of what youth workers up and down the country have been doing during the pandemic to keep in contact with and sustain relationships with the young people they have been working with. I spoke to a lot of those working with young people in different contexts, some of whom were friends and others who responded to the various cries for help on social media! All of whom were inspiring in some way or other. I reflect on the work, and also begin to talk about what needs to happen next. It’s really hard to see where this pandemic might end, or at least how we might learn to live with it as we do for flu or other highly infectious diseases. But we can begin to consider what sort of a world we want to rebuild and hopefully I’ve begun this conversation.

What prompted you to write it?

It was actually because I began a podcast in the summer of 2020, with the theme of supporting those who support young people and so was talking to many amazing youth workers who were telling me their stories about the work they had carried on doing all through the pandemic. I began to think that someone should try and capture the stories. I had been considering writing another book, after the Grove Booklet on Mental Health and Young People which was published in 2019, and this felt like the right time to do that. It all came together very quickly in the end.

and what did you discover?

One of the things that really stood out to me was just how fascinating it is to hear the stories of what has been happening. My aim was to gather these but I hope that being given the opportunity to tell the story was encouraging for each of the people I spoke to, and I hope that reading about what others have been doing is inspiring. Some of my favourite stories have included hearing a real life ‘School of Rock’ story of how a youth worker new in post at the start of the pandemic inadvertently ended up taking on the youth band and this has broken down all sorts of barriers; then also the groups running in Cardiff who were given seeds to begin growing in their own gardens or window boxes and who have ended up growing food that the young people never thought they would do, this organisation have been given a ‘secret garden’ in the grounds of Cardiff Castle to create an allotment/garden and I would love to go and see what they’re doing!

Was it all just food deliveries and zoom? 

Of course, across the different organisations there were both similarities and differences. The provision of food in one form or another was a strong theme, as were doorstep deliveries of packages, as was the ubiquitous Zoom. There was a surprising mix of response to using Zoom – some groups had found it almost impossible to engage any of their young people through video conferencing whereas others found that it broke down some of the barriers around accessibility for young people to join in with something they might otherwise have struggled to attend.

I talk in the book about the different ‘ways’ of doing online youth work. I think it’s important to note that online does not always mean video conferencing calls in small groups but can also mean streaming content via Instagram or YouTube, it might mean producing Reels or TikTok videos, Facebook Lives or interaction through any number of gaming platforms or indeed using Discord, which is a 3rd party chat app, to call friends whilst gaming. There is no question that ‘online’ youth work is now an essential part of our youth work practice and I don’t think we should drop this entirely in favour of face to face, unmediated by screens and servers. A balance is required however, because there is no doubt that human beings were created for eye to eye contact, physical interaction and the warmth of in close proximity community, much of which is impossible with online interaction.

What about outdoor youthwork, wasn’t it safer than inside? 

I also talk about outdoor education or youth work – ostensibly this has been the preserve of the Scouts, Guides plus the myriad of other uniformed organisations and adventure organisations like The Outward Bound Trust. I think this is something we all need to consider, not just because it’ll be the most ‘covid secure’ way of getting together for some time to come, but also because of what someone else recently described to me as the ‘magical idea of young people going for a walk with a trusted adult’. Being outdoors in the natural world is good for us, on so many levels, we’ve been broadly discouraged from being outdoors and seeing other people for the past year and that will have taken its toll on us all, including young people whose residual fitness levels might have dropped through the floor, whose anxiety levels about being outside and possibly ‘bumping into’ other people have gone the other way, right through the ceiling. As a long-time champion of young people’s sense of wellbeing, these things trouble me and while we have the opportunity to begin to think about what our youth work might look like in the immediate future, we ought to be considering these things.

and where can we find your book?

It’s available in Kindle format on Amazon here soon to be available in paperback format too!

 

Thank you for sharing this Jenni, do buy her book and enjoy reading the experiences of other youth workers in the UK in the last year, in a way its a historical snapshot of youthwoork at this time. From Isolation to Community , how youth workers responded during this time. If Covid has prompted and urged a development of community, in a time when youth work had started to revolve around individuals, case working and certification, then a push to community and awareness of this importance may just be a good thing.

Reasons why youthworkers should go to therapy

On By JamesIn Discipleship, Youth ministry, Youthwork1 Comment

I did.

Think about the qualities of youth and community workers.

Generally. The ones that aren’t a walking ego in an empire building trip with no self reflection or awareness (the externalisers) are usually in it to change the world and make it a better place for others, the young people or the communities in which they serve. They often think about others before themselves – and van be reflected in poor self care, boundaries, time management and heading towards a number of issues that indicate codependency.

I went to therapy for myself. In the midst of alot of shit going on, unemployment, homelessness, and marriage separation. That was the end of tether that caused me to go. But I wish I had gone alot sooner. Like about 10 years sooner, maybe 15. In one way I realise how much emotional stuff I could hide, or not be aware of during my professional academic development, though its as true to say that the horror of it all was revealed in a big way the week after my graduation.

How does therapy work? What to expect | MHA Screening - Mental Health America

So thats me. I wonder what it would look like to have youthworkers who see a therapist – as a matter of continued emotional development and growth  – not just for when the proverbial shit has hit the fan.

Self awareness, was said to be one of the key components of being a good youth and community worker. Yet, I was able to hide. Without the keys of professional therapy, which I know I needed to do, and love myself to even go, those doors of emotional self awareness would have stayed firmly shut. I would hope that I didnt do any emotional damage to others, prior to all this, but I also know I could have been much better too.

What about the times when you feel like youre not doing enough? or Imposter syndrome? or how happy you are? or who you are, and how you cope with emotions, changes, reactions and challenges?  Youthworker, you are often doing an awful lot with high demands on your own emotional energy and resources – might that need a boost, space to grow too? 

I know that not everyone has a good experience of therapy, and not everyone can afford it, and I get that, really I do. I could it as a privilege that I have been able to afford two bouts of therapy including trauma therapy in the last 2 years. Some of the benefits to undergoing therapy, as well as the above, include:

  1. Getting a professional perspective on the stuff you are dealing with
  2. A completely safe space to talk – that isnt going to end up in the prayer meeting or have you wondering who knows
  3. Knowledge that the therapist in the main has done the work to then do the work with you.
  4. A sense that your therapist is for you. You are their priority and they want you to grow. They might be regarding you, as highly as you might be regarding young people.
  5. For me, the process of going was an opportunity to love myself, the process within also did that too.
  6. Understanding myself, and also trusting myself in terms of feelings, reactions, and becoming reconnected with my own self.
  7. It will model with young people that dealing with stuff thats deep isnt something to be afraid of.
  8. When they commend you, for your growth, it is such a lift.

In his book ‘A way of being’ Carl Rogers suggests that there are a number of values that someone who has undergone therapy will also highly regard afterwards

  • They move from facades, they tend to be less defensive
  • They move away from ‘oughts’ – A compelling feeling for ‘I ought to be doing this, or that, or who they ought to be
  • They tend to move away from meeting the expectations of others, and pleasing others is negatively valued. 
  • They tend to value being real, being themselves
  • Self direction is valued
  • Ones self, including feelings are positively valued
  • Being a process is valued – becoming even more aware of the process, not a fixation of fixedness (something reflective youthworkers will appreciate im sure) 
  • A value of inner and outer experiences, being open and attuned to inner reactions, feelings and emotions all become valued and preferred
  • Sensitivity to others is valued, appreciating others and themselves
  • Deep relationships with others are positively valued. All of a sudden, if it wasn’t there before, the client has a higher regard for depth, this meets their own deep needs. 

(Carl Rogers, A way of being, 1970)

It might be you read these and think, thats not for me, and that is fine. It may be that you have a preconceived idea of what therapy is or isnt and this might stop you pursuing it. Yes, for me it was about being at rock bottom, and about dealing with past stuff, so I get that I fit the stereotype twice, but, having felt and realised the benefits, I would urge other youth and community workers to consider therapy as an ongoing part of their personal and emotional development.

I was guilty of being theoretically a very good youthworker, but emotionally I was no where close. I was even a good supervisor of other youthworkers, then, but now I have more tools, strategies and awareness of myself for in that space. The same is said of when I have managed people and resources. I would honestly say that I am a vastly different person, and that makes me a vastly different youth and community worker, supervisor and manager as a result.

So for me, I dont put it all down to having undergone therapy. But I would say that I wouldn’t have got to where I am now, as a person, as me, without it. My encouragement is that for us to be the best we can be for the young people and communities, we have to be our best, whole, healed selves. Something in the pattern might have to change, and that might, and could be you. As youth and community workers we have to act as if we are ourselves valuable and not desperate, how on earth might young people realise this for themselves, if we dont model it?

Practice supervision, Spiritual director, life coaching.. might all be very good for you, and absolutely do them, but I just wonder whether professional therapy is whats actually required.. for you.

It’s not selfish to look after yourself, love yourself. Maybe now is the right time.

Why you might have a psychopath in your church

On By JamesIn Discipleship, Youthwork management2 Comments

Im serious.

Though, It’s fortunate that Peter Ball and Ben Field have had justice brought to them, I guess then everyone else can relax in the church now, because obviously there cant be any more dangerous abusive psychopaths in it any more. Now that these two have been dealt with, we can all take a breath and feel a warm sense of relief. Trump, the ultimate psychopath, has been revealed too, so we can all have a party, there cant be more psychopaths around can there…

Both of these were high profile UK cases in the media in 2019, and though Peter Ball did not have the word Psychopath attributed to him at the time, there was a focus on his actions, and the process of safeguarding at the time that was blamed for covering it up. That investigation is ongoing, as is an appeal being made by Ben Field too, so ill not say any more. Often the physical actions of someone is the story, rather than the personality disorder that also led to it, and justified it.

One of the problems about terms that get banded around a bit like Sociopath, Narcissist and Psychopath, is that they get over used and especially in the case of ‘Psychopath’ its attributed to actions like serious crimes like serial killings, murders, and then films that a ‘psychologically tense’ or Hannibal Lectern.

Last year I wrote this piece, 4 ways to deal with a narcissist , and I aimed it as the Media in dealing with politicians. I received a comment, a few in fact, that they wondered if this applied to churches as well, it does.

This article From Chuck Degroat, the Western seminary Michigan wrote this on the subject: Narcissism in Church

The problem with the cases above is that the psychopath has only been caught when they’ve committed something illegally obvious. Until that point they’ve been hidden in plain sight.

So, let me ask you, If you could name the personality characteristics of a psychopath (without googling it) what would you suggest? 

A clue: serial killing isnt one of them.

 

In his book ‘Surrounded by Psychopaths, 2017’ Thomas Eriksen says that psychopaths typically display these personality characterstics alot, or most of the time.

Glib or superficial charm, Grandiose (exaggeratedly his estimation of self, Lack of remorse or guilt, Callous and lack of empathy, Pathological lying, Cunning and manipulative, Shallow effect (superficial emotional responsiveness), poor behaviour controls, need for stimulation, irresponsible, early behaviour problems, anti social behaviour as an adult, parasitic lifestyle, sexual promiscuity, lack of realistic long terms goals, juvenile delinquency, breaking parole and criminal versatility.

Did you get any of these?

Eriksen says that many normal people display on an occasional basis one or two of these, and the adage remains, if you think you are psychopath that you really are not one. A psychopath is likely to display these things most of the time and especially as their core self.

 

What about Narcissism? now that you’re on a role with this, could you define that kind of behaviour?

Go on.. see how you get on with that one… list characteristics of someone who is narcissistic:

 

In her book ‘Children of the ageing Self absorbed’, Nina Brown describes someone who is narcissistic and self absorbed as someone who commonly reflects these attributes:

Grandiose, The impoverished self (plays victim and grandiose concurrently at times), Entitlement attitude, Attention seeking, Admiration hungry, Unique and special , Lack of empathy, Exploits others, Shallow emotions, Inappropriate sense of humour, emptiness at the core, extensions of self (others are extensions of control and to manipulate for own gain) and Envy/Jealousy.

 

How did you get on with these?

Did you notice some of the overlap? Understandably so. So let’s go back to the more sobering thought.

 

Can you see how someone who might be Psychopathic/Narcissistic might be able to hide, and retain a position of power in a church? 

I can.

Think about how they might be able to use words to manipulate people

Think about the way that they feel when they have power

Think about how they can confuse people into feeling guilty or worse still feigning confessions and seeking forgiveness/reconciliation. Others have to forgive them

Think of how blame, guilt and shame can be distributed.

Think of how they might be able to use the system for their own gain, and to hide.

 

This is why being a church/faith minister is one of the top 10 professions in which psychopaths reside.

According to Eriksen, It’s 8th on a list that only has CEO, police officer, journalist, surgeon, sales rep, lawyer and other media personnel above it.

The 8th most common place for a psychopath to reside is in a church.

The 8th.

Can you see how harmful it would be to have a psychopath leading a church? The problem is, they already do.

How would you know?  Well up until now, you probably didn’t. Because you weren’t looking for it, and you didn’t know.

 

 

Thats the one way to combat narcisisst/psychopath leaders, is self awareness. It’s education.

Even notice why the church in some areas has traditionally or even currently tried to reject personality traits like empathy or intuition?  Often its because those who pronounce this are trying to invalidate those who might be able to ascertain the hollowness of the accuser. Invalidating the empathic self aware is a great skill of the psychopath. Keeps them off the hook.

But what about the quantity factor… there cant be many of these people around – haven’t you tried to suggest that people are generally kind? 

Yes, I have, but think how many peoples lives are destroyed by just one psychopath?  Its like drinking the cider of one bad apple, or bad yeast that infects the whole loaf. In the case of clergy. They whole church, parish or town.  But dont worry, on one hand there won’t be many of them, but those that are will be causing damage.

Oh and also, I may have said that people are in the most part kind, but Rutger Bregman himself says that Power corrupts and that those who have risen to the top in organisations and societies often find ways of making sure that they stay there.

often they carry an energy to get to the top, through charm, a charisma. But they are watching you.

Usually by adjusting the checks and counter balances, by deflecting and avoiding and by being shameless, which makes for better news. Oh and a psychopath/narcissist is unlikely to feel shame or embarrassment. Why? because they dont care what other people think of them. They can’t tell jokes, read a room (unless to manipulate), and they will never blush. (Bregman, 2020)

Though, think if the damage just one psychopath could make?  There is still one lauded at the top of the political tree in america by religious leaders…

So – what can be done about it?

Well first you need to know what you are dealing with. Do the homework, research, books, articles on psychology today, therapist and counsellors on personality traits and behaviours. Talk to those who have been victims of this and hear their story. they know, they’ve been silent victims for years.  Know what it is you are dealing with, and know what it feels like to have had to live with one. Dont assume that because that person is in a role, that ‘they couldn’t be one’.

Self awareness is the first and best step to dealing with these people.

Because they will find a way of affecting you, they’ll prey on your politeness (cant say no to anyone), on your open loving time (there there, as they regail how they are the victim), they’ll gossip around spreading slander to everyone, whilst decreeing that gossip is ‘sinful’. They’ll try things like love bombing, playing on guilty conscience.

Both Harry Potter and Red dwarf describe the monster that lurks as the ‘shape shifter’ – in Red dwarf 3 its the polymorph, in Harry Potter it is the Boggart in the wardrobe. These are calculating monsters that prey on our heroes emotions. They have no form themselves, merely adapting to those around them to manipulate them

The brain of a psychopath: how people with psychopathic traits control their 'dark urges' | Neuroscience

Adapting so to feed and to kill. Harry knew how to deal with the Boggart, and eventually so did the Red Dwarf Crew. They had to stick together. When isolated the shape shifter can assume a form. It convulses when trying to manipulate two people in a room. Especially not someone who knows whats going on. Isolate a psychopath and you’ll be the one manipulated by them. They’ve seen you coming a mile off and have years of using every technique to get what they want.

They manipulate by assuming a form that catches their prey off guard, and going in for the kill.

They can be spotted though;

The lesser spotted, but highly dangerous psychopath, will often use phrases in a church like

‘Everyone else needs to…’ (but not me)

I’ts everyone else’s fault’ (the congregation, the manager, the community , and this is their script to everyone)

‘Im just trying to be a good vicar’ (they’re playing a role)

‘They make life so difficult for me’ (playing the victim)

‘you should have done…’ (projecting onto others)

‘everyone else is too sensitive’ (invalidating feelings)

‘They are the crazy one, the emotional one’ (invalidating those who are revealing them to others, often)

Try this: 5 ways to spot a Psychopath 

and ever notice how in ministry most things they do, dont work very well?

In ministry its as if their falseness doesn’t create an environment where people will do the things that make things work. In short, they might be as noticed by a failing ministry. They are also noticed by when they enter a room that people feel chills, not warmth. They dont feel the things they say. Often weaponising scripture to get others to do things, act or react, and nothing like what the original intentions were. Often they appear as the kind of person who is a ‘divisive’ character… because that’s what they thrive on. Division. They will do or say shocking things that make you numb. (like stealing, or verbal abuse)

If anything they leave you cold, abused and taken from; Other people are there to serve their ministry. It’s about entitlement remember. They are jealous of other churches, though they’ll give a reason why they dont compare/compete. They will deny all of these things too.

The other good thing is that their tactics are the same. They are so predictable. Seek out weaknesses, play victim, then accuse others of ‘ganging up’ or ‘betraying them’. Same tactics, same patterns. Never take any responsibility.

If the words psychopath and narcissist are too strong, then lets just go for emotionally abusive, coercive and manipulative.

Im just wondering how all the checks, balances and safeguarding in the church can prevent such toxic people in ministry (they can be forgiven or given grace, they’re too dangerous) , and for where they currently are, causing emotional distress behind a wall of power filled practice.

As the film Spotlight (2016) showed, it takes a whole village to raise a child, and a whole village to abuse one. It also took a whole team of private investigators, lawyers and press to expose the truth, that had all been covered up. It will take a whole church, and even whole families to be believed when they just know the emotionally abusive danger that one person brings. It’ll only take one psychopath to destroy a church. Thats because ultimately thats how many stories with psychopaths end. Death.

And everyone still alive around the psychopath will become trapped in a cycle of co-dependency.

Oh and if you think you can confront them afterwards? then no, because their already full armour of weapons (lying, denial, blame, being victim) are all wonderful attributes to take on after the event. The emotionally immature/narcissist exist in a kind of time that is different to everyone else. They only do in the moment the strategic best thing for themselves, with no thought of the consequences to others I wrote about this more in this post. So they do not care who and how they lie so that their behaviour remains hidden. Often they are in there system already so that they know how it works.

The good thing, is that if you’re reading this and think or worry that you are psychopath then, already your self awareness means that you aren’t one. And youre now more educated about them than you were before. the challenge for churches, is to spot them, or to prevent them from getting positions of power in the first place.

The issue is to realise is what would it take to reveal them. Often they reveal themselves. The rest of the time its about not being scared of them when they’ve elicited your trauma response in the past. Like Harry had to overcome the dementors. Often they reveal themselves as they value the same traits in other psychopaths.

I urge you to resist banding around terms, because in that way the actual genuine people who are psychopaths can hide even more, in the same way, as churches and in ministry we have to do more to raise awareness, to follow instincts and feelings about people and to have better ways of preventing and identifying psychopaths within ministry.

Time to wake up church, and notice that the devils are more likely to be within.  (usually as they proclaim that everyone else is the problem)

I have written a follow up piece, on seeing the patterns of their behaviour, that is here:

 

References

Surrounded by Psychopaths (Thomas Eriksen, 2017)

Dealing with the Aging self absorbed (Nina Brown, 2016)

Humankind (Rutger Bregman, 2020)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Jk Rowling, 1999), Red Dwarf series 3.

The Film:  Spotlight (2015)

Codependency no more , Melody Beattie (1988)

Adult children of Emotionally immature parents, Lindsay Gibson 2016

A more extensive article, 20 signs to spot a psychopath is here

End of 2020: The Learning from the Streets Quiz of the year(s)

On By JamesIn Youthwork1 Comment

Just for fun, and  I may do a review of the year in a later piece, but I thought I would do a short quiz, and all you need to do is work out which year the quote was from. Sometimes, for me, we can be ignorant of who has said similar things before, about the same issues, that have emerged this year.

Give your self 3 points for a correct answer, and a bonus 2 if you guess the publication the quotation is from.  (ill put them in the comments below)

  1. ‘It is too often and too easily assumed that the prime responsibility for work with young people in the church of England is with the ‘church’s children’. We do not want to denigrate this work. Yet we must underline that the alienation that we have found amongst young people is not least alienation from the church’ what was the year this was said, and where? 

  2. ‘In all negotiations with the Clergy or with a local church, the youth worker is working within the basic emotional dynamic which is created by the parental duties, needs and concerns of the local church members. This dynamic is extremely powerful and its influence cannot be underestimated’  when was this said.. and by whom? 

  3. ‘When church leaders were always white, respect for the church is diminished’  said when and by whom?

  4. ‘It would appear that the days of ‘entertaining youth’, keeping them ‘off the streets’ with youth programmes are no longer interesting to Millenials. Teens want to engage with God, they aren’t looking for Saturday/Sunday night amusement anymore’ – when and where was this said? 

  5. ‘Young People are not openly rejecting either Christian Instiutions or organised youth work. They are simply not even accepting them as having any possible claim on them or anything to offer to them that they need’  the author and date of this one, any ideas? 

  6. ‘Why go across the sea to receive a blessing, when you can go across the street and be a blessing’.  This nugget was said by whom.., and when? 

  7. ‘This mirrors todays pattern, youth work often targets the disadvantaged, whilst youth ministry concentrates on the advantaged’   As said by whom.. and when,? 

  8. ‘In working with young people, do not try to call them back to where they were, and do not try to call them to where you are, as beautiful as a place that may seem to you. You must have the courage to go with them to a place that neither you nor they have ever been before’  maybe a well known one this.. but when and by whom was it said? 

  9. ‘More than ever, todays youth ministers must function first as missionaries, then as social workers , then finally as Pastors’. Date and Author for this one please…

  10. ‘Youth ministry is full of sprinters, young attractive, strong men and women who can achieve amazing speed over a short period of time. But where are they after two, or three or five years? We need more marathon runners.’  Last one  – what do you think, said by whom, and when? 

 

So, have you got 10 years and 10 possible authors? Some might be more difficult than others, ive put the answers in the first comment below. Do reply with your scores too!

total Scores 50….

and

Happy new year from me at this blog!  Thank you for all your support, reading, sharing of these hopefully helpful, interesting and provoking articles in 2020. I really appreciate all the comments, likes, shares and follows, and any financial gifts to me too.

I wish you a happy new year!

 

Youthwork the Musical: an improvised performance in 6 acts

On By JamesIn YouthworkLeave a comment

A few weeks ago, the community of the #ycwchat twitter chat spontaneously designed the possibly very first Youthwork the musical, and boy did it have drama, tears (not tiers) , suspense, character development and it showed resilience, determination and true grit (and just from me hosting) So here in all its glory, its the write up from this spectacular event, for your Christmas enjoyment:

Act 1:

Set in an open Youth Club

or a local skate park characters: young people – Karl, Mak, Katie, Steph, Aisha, Jared; youth workers – Harry and Char (maybe more?)

Youthworker on first day of new job

some ‘unruly’ young people

First song:
Tell me what you want , what you really really want (Wannabe by Spice Girls) or
All right now (the youth workers are here) by Free

Act 2:

There has been a fight between Jared and Aisha….

Joseph’s coat of many colours is now “Jared’s face of many colours’ as the bruising appears….

Song ; Any dream will do, with Jareds multi bloodshot face of many colours.

 

Act 3; (a scene change)

Scene change could bring a new character who is a villain – a Head giving out detentions having heard about the fight the night b4? Our young people band together in the face of such unfairness. Aisha could sing a solo – but can’t quite figure out which song? #ycwchat

or

The fight was over a love interest

They sit on a swing on an empty playground, litter strewn everywhere, crisp packets blowing in the wind

Spine tingling moment

Songs include:

Summer days by Grease

‘On my own’ from Les Mis’

‘I think we’re alone now’ – an acoustic slow version of the classic 1980s Tiffany song. (good for the retro feel, and upcoming sales)

Cut to new youthworker on the job, meeting with the manager and asking about the detached work that he’s now doing in the park. Asks about conflict management.

Act 4:

We need the Police to make an appearance, they heard about the fight

Is it more young people from their year group who divide into either Jared or Aisha’s team??

‘Could we shift to a school based setting? Our fighters have to work together to achieve/win something. Sport related?’

A football cage was taken onto the streets as a diversionary tactic so that the young people dont have to pick sides

How do the youthworkers respond to all this – the pain, the emotion what might they sing? 

Their dilemma encapsulated by this comment: ‘the torment of trust being lost and then wanting to pastorally support the young person who may well be angry with them…am I on the right lines???’

Songs:

I predict a riot: Kaiser Chiefs

Anything by The Police

Land of confusion (in the youthworkers mind) by Genesis

‘Ill be there for you’ (as the youthworkers sing to the camera, hearts on their sleeves, emotional, drained) a slow version of the Rembrandts ?

Act 5:

Aisha and Jared are friends again, helped by the youth workers and some of their friends who were plugging away in the background. The heroes need to be the young people – to try and avoid ‘superhero’ tendencies… #ycwchat

Song:

We’re better together by Jack Johnson?

 

And finally act 6…

 

Its all rather resolving too well… until the final moment when..

Ooh….is this where the youth worker declares they only have a week left in the building….the crisis the young people have no clue about…..

(it is)

so..

Yes! Maybe it’s the manager who announces it to the youth worker AND the young people together , It’s terrible management as well as jeopardy… Then the youth worker and the young people together raise money by busking/putting on a show!!

Final Song

‘Were all in this together’ from High School Musical, sang by all the cast, the grand finale.

Cue: Applause. tears…relief…joy….

 

And no there wasn’t an Encor.

We all needed a lie down. Thanks to Jenni Osborn, Jane Barrett and Mike Rutt for their stellar creativity on the night and a few additional cameos by others.

That was it, the end of the inaugural improvised youthwork the musical, do join in to #ycwchat each week to discuss themes, ideas and situations in  youth and community work, and maybe next year itll be Youthwork the Panto…

 

A little bit of festive youthwork fun.

 

Merry Christmas!