Learning from the Streets

I had to face a painful reality recently.

If someone asked me the following question:

Why did you want to become a youth worker?

It would depend on who was asking me the question as to what I answer I would give.

But, as we know, it wasn’t for the money, neither was it for the job security, or the career prospects. It wasnt for the working conditions, the annual bonuses or the company holiday schemes, or pensions. It wasnt to be noticed, famous or be powerful.

I might have fumbled an answer ; ‘Im not really sure, it just happened’ or unconvincing said that ‘ I think God called me into it’ – but did I really believe that?

As soon as I could I took on responsibilities in my church growing up, and became a ‘leader’ (you can read more about my story here, on my other blog) , and even as a participant of groups and clubs – I gravitated to the adults, I wanted to help, to find out how things worked. Its as if I didn’t want to stay a child. (as I wrote here, I was typecast as an adult even in primary school plays)

I grew up wanting to escape being a child as soon as possible. Being a child wasnt safe for me.

I orientated myself around other adults very quickly, especially those who I needed to be safe, and for me to get positive attention and identity amongst.

Growing up evangelical, and what I heard to was to be self sacrificial, to give, to volunteer, to commit to ‘The Lord’ all that, and so I did, love and serve others – love and serve others…in the hope of finding some kind of satisfaction, some kind of identity, some kind of purpose. This was all part of it.

I thought if I became involved in church ministry – it might please my parents. Me the trophy older child doping the thing that might actually cause this to happen. Or, when this didnt happen, the me that was going to prove them wrong by doing well in it. That didnt end well. 20 or more years of need that being a youthworker was meant to fulfil.

But it didnt.

So I have to accept it.

Because the truth of the answer to the question I couldn’t and didnt want to answer is this.

I wanted to save young people, because I wanted them to save myself.

Its something I’ve known for well over a year, since I was in therapy over a year ago, and in ‘The Courage to be happy’ I read it this week:

I would have denied it, had you asked me anytime up until a few years ago. I was so in denial. In denial of everything.

Running not facing a reality.

But not anymore. So, this is not painful to write, and admit, how much I needed to be a youthworker.

I wanted it to make me happy – but I had no idea of how to be happy

I wanted it to make others see me – but that with emotionally immature parents – is impossible

I wanted to save others, and give other children and young people a safe, fun, educative childhood – that I didnt have – but the truth was that I had no reference point for that on an emotional level.

The difference now is acceptance.

I accept that this was me.

I accept that my worth came from other people.

And…. now… I can see it for what it is.

Theres no point in fighting or denying it any longer. It’s ok.

I may have become a youthworker – and a good, theologically, theoretically well thought and regarded youthworker for all those reasons – but who am I now? And what does it mean for the now?

What does it mean for me now – now that I’m different on the inside?

Maybe ill be able to enjoy it more for what it is, and have fun, live and be happy – as a youthworker – rather than hoping it will one day save me.

The best youthworker I could ever be, was the one who youthworked myself.

The one who spoke to me.

Give myself permission to be a child, be safe, be heard, to feel, to be valuable.

Starts from within.

So, can I now give to others, without needing in return?

Isn’t that a healthier place to be?