Learning from the Streets

Hey Youth and community worker, do you know about the drama triangle?

No?

Well, here it is:

This version is taken from this article ‘Are you stuck in a Drama triangle’  

The Drama triangle, first identified by Stephen Karpman in 1968, is a model that describes the interplay of three stereotypical egotistical roles people take up the heat of the moment, in conflict. (Tombs, Joel in Grove Youth Series, Y40)

The question I have for you, after you have had a look at it above, is, do you recognise where you put yourself on the triangle lines in any of your youthwork practice?  For example:

Do you appeal to being the victim to your trustees and governance?

Do you see young people as ‘victims’ and in need of rescue? 

Do you want be the saviour to ‘fix’ the church? or wider society? 

Are the young people displaying challenging behaviour and disrupting your youth group? 

What do you communicate to funders? 

 

So much about our practice can be about being in or resolving conflict that at times wearing the cloak of one of these roles, or assuming into one of them can be common place. When it happens Swords and sides are drawn.

What about the ‘roles’

What happens when we assume roles of rescuer and fixer to young people?  We are saying that they are unable to ‘fix’ themselves without us.. and this leads to codependency . It puts the over onus on you to assume all the responsibility for everything. Most of the time you’ll be spinning 27 plates anyway, so one more isnt going to hurt..is it…. is it..??

 

in the role of ‘rescuer’ you are very likely to forego your own needs. You are too busy plate spinning, rescuing and keeping the show on the road, whether project, church, group, ministry, charity, to attend to yourself. Often thriving in the drama. Its probably where you thrive, until you burn out. (My next blog is on burnout)

 

Alternatively, you could assume the role of the persecutor, though this is unlikely, you’re more likely to judge others as this and assume being a victim…. however the person who is the persecutor/or who assumes this role, is likely to think that it is everyone else fault. This person does not take any responsibility for their feelings, needs and actions. Some might say narcissist. They can become dominating, controlling, aggressive, angry, critical, and highly manipulative. They fear being the victim, which restricts them from being vulnerable, and love nothing more than powerfully tearing people apart and exposing others weaknesses to prove themselves correct.  In assuming a victim role, is this what your governance really are? Probably not. Or… might you actually work with a church leader, manager, CEO who is like this? It is possible, actually it is.

 

Assuming the role of victim, if you do this, or you see young people in this light, then that person is viewed as the following:

• Victims are not fully in touch with their own needs, therefore they do not voice them assertively
• As such, the victim role is associated with feeling powerless, depressed, oppressed, ashamed, hopeless, victimised, dependent, sad, or angry
• These feelings may be used to guilt-trip others
• Often they will look for a rescuer, someone to save them from their circumstances/victimhood
• They may also unconsciously look for a Persecutor (see below) to validate their own victimhood
• Due to their feelings of helplessness, they will often struggle to make hard decisions or take action to solve their own problems
• Victims find their power in their belief that they are blameless.  (These point are taken from this article) 

 

If you see yourself as a victim in a situation, then as the above suggests, playing powerless is your game. How many times do we consider ourselves as youthworkers to be the oppressed group? Its like that joke about the lightbulb. We’d rather cope in the darkness, than take power and switch on the lightbulb.

Can you see how none of these roles are in any way healthy?  or could lead to satisfactory outcomes in conflict or youth practices?

So if this is the drama triangle, how do we get out of it..?

Well the first thing is to see it and recognise it. Awareness of it as it happens is the main first step to be honest. Are you, Am I, showing all the repeated patterns of assuming victim hood, or taking on the rescuer codependent role?  Have a think about why you assume that role? Continuing a path of self awareness might help you see this, do you seek perfection and then assume that if you dont take responsibility no one else could do it as well as you? or is it that you like to feel needed? or something else. Already though, if you can see the pattern you are more on there way to stepping out of the triangle than where you were before…on it.

Tombs in the Grove booklet (y40) suggests that by saying ‘Im not the victim’ or ‘ im not to be the rescuer’ (like usual) – them this creates options for saying no (to responsibility) and working out how the conflict/task can be managed elsewhere. If I am not a victim, and I have more power than I realise, then what action might I take?  If I do not see myself as rescuer, instead I am someone who works ‘with’ young people, not to rescue, then what might that cause you to do, say, behave and act differently?

Once you can see it, observe the pattern. Breathe and take your time in how you respond to things, Try not to become defensive, take responsibility (if you are assuming victim) and back off taking on more, if you are sliding into rescuer.

Get out of the FOG.

1. Remember the acronym FOG. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt. If you feel any of those feelings, consistently, in a relationship, you are most likely dealing with a manipulator. You need to get out of the FOG.
2. On the other hand, if you are trying to make another person feel Fearful, Obligated, or Guilty, you are the manipulator and are not operating with integrity. Be direct, honest, and seek help to communicate differently.  (Taken from this article, which gives 10 tips on how to remove yourself from the drama triangle) 

This article is also helpful – How to step out of the drama triangle

 

It can be so easy to talk in terms of the drama triangle even in the every day language of youthwork, maybe more in youth ministry, when theres a tendency to ‘fix’ and rescue the ‘lost’ young people, to take on the saviour complex for the community, the parish and the family who are ‘broken’. The drama triangle is nearly always the default language of the emotionally unhealthy. Its also evident in how ‘Boris saves’ Christmas and how the media portray many groups and situations. Drama is what the media thrive on…

Can we not view young people as not in need of our fixing, and gifted and our role to work with them, be with them instead?

Part of self awareness emotionally might be to see this, and how it plays out and step out of it.  How we deal with ourselves and conflict without resorting into ego roles, and resolving in a way in which both parties can win, is something we could and should be modelling in our organisations and then enabling young people to be good at conflict management too.

 

References

Y40 Grove Series, Ten essential concepts for Christian youth work.  (Nash, Whitehead)

Recovering from Emotionally immature Parents, by Lindsay C Gibson, 2019

Theres more on this on This Wikipedia site too 

Do have a look at the nurture development site to the right, for more on Asset based youth/community work.

 

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