Learning from the Streets

I wrote this piece on my other blog this morning, after a week of spending time listening to my feelings of anger, where they stem from, and also giving time to wonder why I took so long to go to therapy to deal with my own shit that I was avoiding, or running away from. I then thought about how that was easily hidden in a profession in which it was easier to care for others, and hide in that space. Like, being a youth worker. I also wonder, what message do we even have for young people, if theres so little of love to believe in in ourselves. It’s no wonder flags fly on bridges and people believe in it, when the alternative is so buried.

So, forgive the anger, actually im not sorry.

One of the reasons we men dont want to deal with our shit is because we dont believe we have the capacity to love ourselves. 

In many scenarios, whether from driven, neglectful, absent or collusive, abusive parents, Love was absent, and instead rules and expectations. 

In School, that wasnt the place either. 

And then there was the competitiveness of existing, having to win at football, chess or reading, having to be the best, having to compete and complete…

Having to grow up, having to stay strong, having to not be weak

And all the while, that little voice inside, seemed to grow smaller and smaller, the trappings of externals whilst dying inside. 

Not believing in Love. 

Not knowing Love

Unless conditional, unless dependent, unless loaded, unless

Unless hidden even behind labels in sacred stories. Believe in God (who is Love btw) or Jesus, or Mohammad, or whoever, and have the strength and power of Love be hidden behind all of these, and even then, some of these institutions require loyalty or adherence (of rules, of routines) and preach love like its a strategy for expansion. Conditional love, and rarely love of the self, love of the body, love of the past, love of feeling, hurts or wounds. Just pray them away and come back for more, morality the enemy of growth, and maybe even the enemy of love. 

Or you chose a different path, another Vocation, Military, Farming, Teaching, Medicine, Youthwork, Clergy… All where the purity of what you wanted to be, got lost in the system of numbers, discipline and rules. Or givers. Givers of care, not receivers.

And the was presented as real. This is the real world. 

Dreamers and Artists those who love. Sensitive ones weak. 

Macho. Hurting. Insecure. Violence. Real Man. 

Ugh. 

Deny the hurt, hide it away. 

Soothe the pain by satirical comedy, busyness, the rat race that continually exhausts, failure for the weak, vulnerability for the soft, or being the ones who others leant on.

Cultural masculinity at its best. Show no pain. Keep going. 

Until the cracks appear. Until desperation. because:

If theres no such thing as Love, then it doesn’t matter does it. Beat up your wife, beat up yourself, steal, take and destroy, because Love is absent, Love isnt real, Love is just once a year on feb 14th, and in your loveless analytical head, can’t cope with not being in charge. Its running a show thats destroying you, but because you dont believe in Love, you can’t believe that you have to capacity to love, then you dont face it, you can’t, its too fucking big and painful and you think that it looks weak, or a failure, or your mates will think you weird, or you dont have time, or you dont have….

Deep down its fear. 

Fear…that Love might actually be what’s required…. 

Deep down it’s too much. 

You’d rather believe in power than believe in yourself. 

Deep down you have a heart, but its hidden under layers

Deep down you have shared that heart to help others even whilst wounded yourself….

Help….not heal…. 

Its deep, because its underneath so many layers and blockages that youve put in there, pain soothers, pain avoiders, and these have caused further shame, guilt and pain – addiction, violence, manipulation – all outward projections of deeper hurt, masking anxiety, depression, abuse, the weight of expectation, perfection and trying to please, or make someone proud who is never satisfied – name your pain and add it here. ____________-

All that stuff feels heavy and feels impossible to love. Shame monsters feel big. We know we’ve done wrong to others, to ourselves…to keep what’s hidden underneath at bay. 

Can I tell you a secret. 

You have the capacity to love yourself, if you are alive, you have a heart. 

You have the capacity to be vulnerable, to ask for help, to begin a different path 

To shed the masks, the fake strength, the keeping going, the weight if pain and suppression, the false appearances that are aching at your soul. 

The very first time I felt a surge of self love and realised a feeling of true self worth was the day I decided to go to therapy. A tiny step of bravery and fear, a tiny tiny shard of self love, to begin the very beginning step of facing and bringing hurt and pain to light. It’s not for everyone, and I needed a safe place to start. 

Most of you will have that, somewhere, and trust me on this, you might need new friends, or new people who can be your cheerleaders, or have ‘been there’ – once you begin this path, you’ll be surprised who shows up and where it takes you. 

Because you can. 

Healing isnt weak, it’s the bravest thing you can do. 

Sometimes we’re so addicted to the cycle of pain and denial that we wear it like a cloak, preferring blame and victimhood as a norm. 

Dont believe me when I say you can love yourself? 

You dont have to. Thats your choice. 

But stay in unbelief and stay as you are, and nothing changes. 

Love is such a powerful force in the universe and stronger than you think.

It’s been there all along. Aching to be listened to….maybe it’s time to let it. 

You have the capacity to love yourself, because Love is you. 

It’s been you all along. 

And…..it will save you in the end. 

You just were told otherwise, and believed in it to conform, to hide. 

Yeah, and this all has in some ways applied to me. 

We are all in this together. 

Thank you for reading, in my previous piece on this issue shared about depression and mental health, do have a look at it if you’d like to, its here