Learning from the Streets

I was 18.

It was 1996.

A new summer festival was happening that was in its 2nd year.

It was billed as a young person version of Spring Harvest.. and I had done Spring Harvest for 4 of the previous 8 years.

I was enthusiastically evangelical.

I had converted friends in high school. I had been one of the ‘few’ who kept going to local youth clubs and christian unions.

I bought Christian music.. yes this was a thing in the 1990’s…

I helped out at church worship events. I played the guitar. I had just signed up for Oasis’ Frontline teams. Inspired by a book about chocolate that killed brain cells. IYKYK.

and….

I had existed emotionally alone and had a bewildering and abusive childhood. Not that I could explain it at the time.

Church was my safe place. Belonging in it fulfilled an emotional need.

Soul Survivor , the Evangelical Summer worship festival was amazing for me… the first time.

I went the year after, and, after spending a year ‘in ministry’ or youthwork in Hartlepool with Oasis, I found it less amazing. But it still held favour with me. I still have the music books..

It was also the year that ‘Soul in the City’ was launched and Festival Manchester 2000, and I nearly ended up in Manchester for this, as a few years later I nearly did the Oasis Youth Ministry course at Nazarene College Manchester, and offered a work placement in Manchester. Nearly. It wasn’t to be. I wanted to be though…

So…

It could have been me having to make a call to the current investigation team.

It could have been me.

But it wasn’t.

Though I was prime for it.

Right age, right evangelical enthusiasm, emotionally traumatised childhood.

What I know for sure, is that if ANYTHING had happened to me.

There was almost no one I could tell.

How do I know this?

Because fast forward 20 years and I had to manage my own parents emotional reactions to my marital break down several years ago. So, imagine how 18 year old me would have shared any safeguarding concern, especially as 18 year old me had ‘upset’ them by not going to university.

But it wasn’t me.

And this isn’t about me trying to make this about me as a ‘possible’ victim.

Yes, it is upsetting, troubling, very much, yes the Soul Survivor investigation is bringing me a lot of emotions.

Not because of anything that they did to me.

Its a reminder of what did happen to me. Its a reminder of what has happened. A reminder of how I had been conditioned to be in a self loathing state and a dependent evangelical. What might have been perhaps, but also how easy I was set up to be manipulated. In a tiny, and broad way I’m connected to it.

My body, has kept the score. Thats what trauma does. Thats what Therapy and Self awareness, self-love and self compassion is helping me to heal from.

There is something else.

That has to be said.

On my wall in front of me, is a picture of Rosedale in North Yorkshire

Its a cross at the top of a shallow hill, with a large puddle in between the purple heather.

The photo is meaningful for me in a number of ways.

It potentially represents all of us in the mirror, do you see the lake? what does your reflection reveal?

All of us in the mirror.

All of us in ‘the christian community and culture’.

Until it’s realised, until we step off the mountain trying to grasp the ‘cross’ and look in the mirror, all we might see is a muddy reflection.

What might the light of the mirror be shining on, revealing to awaken from the darkness?

What if the following is true for the health of the church?

We must cultivate all three intelligences for our overall health:

Critical Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence and Spiritual Intelligence

If one falls the wayside, it slows the growth of the other two.

Haemin Sunim.

What might be ‘out of balance’? that debilitates ‘health’ and slows growth?

What if we ask ourselves , as part of the church.. what culture has been created? What generational wounds are being carried that are self sabotaging, what else might need to be revealed?

Could it be that any kind of emotionally unhealthy behaviour can go unchecked?

What if we’re honest with ourselves, to the point of keeping ‘darkness close’. What requires Self realisation and humility to realise.

Denial ‘ it doesn’t happen here‘ or Deflection ‘ Look at them over there, we’re not like them‘ aren’t the greatest allies in the path of learning and emotional consciousness.

What if all, some or none of the following occur in churches…and with greater or less severity? All of which have some link to emotional immaturity and health:

Codependency and over-adaption, Saviour Syndrome, Grooming, Coercive control, Flying Monkeys and Narcissism (and when this comes to church) , Trauma Bonding, Dependency, Self denial, Self loathing, Shame, Fear (of Hell, of making a mistake, of life) .. as one of many tools to control…

People pleasing and being ‘nice’, Survival or Winning Strategies, Victim Players, Spiritual bypassing , NDAs, Conflict avoidant, Criticisers cast as Jezebels, Bullying, lack of management and supervision…

Recognise any, all or some of these?

As an abuse survivor the patterns are very obvious.

And;

where celebrity and pedestal is a sign of success (thanks Jon for this awesome piece), but there are ‘ego’s’ in the pews too..

where emotions were negated, devalued and ignored (and Becky Castle Miller on this is amazing, do check her out here) .

Research has shown that churches have one of the highest proportion of psychopaths in any profession, those outside the church are less likely to groom than those already ‘inside’.

The ‘lack of being perfect‘ seems to be an accepted response to not taking responsibility for actions. Where DARVO, the drama triangle and gaslighting happen… but with christian language.

Where the whistleblowers and abuse victims are silenced, delegitimised as gossip, and marginalised. Read the IISCA report into sexual abuse in the church, its not happy reading.

And it is only just getting to grips with Spiritual Abuse (thank you Lisa Oakley) , let alone domestic, emotional and neglect….

So it isn’t just one thing….

It all feels like an imbalance between spiritual, intellectual and emotional health.

Whilst it’s not ‘all churches’ and not all of these things… they all show their ugly face on a regular basis. So what might the soul searching (beyond soul survival) look like, if it’s truly done on a collective level.. ? And there is progress in some places.. sometimes reluctant progress….

What does an emotionally healthy church look like? Can a church become emotionally aware and intelligent? And what might this do for its spiritual health…only improve it I would think.

Follow the way of the cross, but look in the mirror on the way. Sober said Paul. Do everything to see beyond the glass darkly, not just give in to it.

Acceptance of realities, acceptance of cultural shaping, acceptance of structural frailties and vulnerabilities, acceptance that safeguarding is only one deterrent, as the psychotic hide their abuse in manipulative ways. Acceptance of the hurt, the hiding, the abuse, and everything in between. A church that is bruised, vulnerable and open…

And then realise.. that the whole church body is affected. The body of the church will keep the score. Because that what trauma does. Thats what healing is like on an individual level, its what a healing , aware organisation will be sensitive of too.

The Church Body keeps the Score.

Closing this with Archbishop Welbys words on Soul Survivor, for anyone who need to talk further and report what they experienced. Because it is so so important that you do add to the investigation.

I encourage anyone who has information to continue to come forward. If you or someone who know has information they need to share, please do get in touch with the National Safeguarding Team via safeguarding@churchofengland.org. Again, please be assured that any safeguarding concerns you raise will be treated with sensitivity and care.

If you or anyone you know are affected by this situation and want to speak to someone independently, you can also call the Safe Spaces helpline on 0300 303 1056. Safe Spaces are offering support for victims and survivors and anyone who has been affected by this investigation.

Archbishop Justin Welby.

References

Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score, 2004

Thomas Eriksen, Surrounded by Psychopaths, 2017

Melody Beattie, Codependent no more, 1986

Linsday C Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, 2015

Heamin Sunim, Things you only see when you slow down, 2017

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