Learning from the Streets

I make no apology for not writing as much on here recently, as what I have written about a lot of has been about my inner experiences, self discovery and learning, and whilst in the past I have written about some more personal things on this blog in the past, ive put all of this on my other blog which is linked here. The latest over there is about the futility of trying to be good..in order to be liked. This applies to youth/community work practice, as much as it does just being human.

It made me realise that there is such a crossover between what Ive learned for ‘myself’ and how it applies in practice, that I should write more here on some of the same topics.

So here goes.

Do you remember the old joke, the one about youth/community workers and changing the lightbulb?

How many does it take?

100.

1 to change the bulb, and 99 to sit around writing articles on coping in the darkness.

Its best to sit in the crowds isn’t it. And be the 99.

Powerless to make anything happen, and just write.

Passive, and hoping that words alone, submitting in a peer review, or a blog might make a difference.

I realised that it didnt. I realised that I got stuck.

Oh look how self congratulatory this sounds. Look at me.

its far far messier than this, I promise you.

I was stuck. Trapped. Addicted even.

And I so so loved writing words into the darkness, here or on social media. Keep the swirl alive by adding fuel to it, cynicism, sarcasm, irony and the rest. Satire being the tool of the powerless, and I lapped this up, Friday nights ‘The Last Leg’ was on repeat.

All the time positioning myself as the helpless victim, to identify with the young people, or communities I ‘served’. Feeling trapped too in a damaging relationship in which at one point I felt I had no options.

Though I did start to notice something.

I had a disastrous experience completing an MA in Durham, which I basically completed in the midst of emotional trauma, in a shell like capacity – only survival instinct keeping me going. Yet during that time my tutor Pete Ward looked me in the eye and suggested that ‘ You’re not thinking that a youth worker is also a victim are you’. When I think I was writing about youthworkers and their managers..or lack of. I didnt have the emotional capacity or tools to be able to respond to Pete then. It was the first time this thought clicked in me….

But what did this mean – to ‘not’ be a victim.

Fast forward a few years, and I am delivering ‘Young Peoples Challenging Behaviour’ training to my good friends Dave and Jen Johnson in Byker , Newcastle. They are true heroes and I love them. I regularly showed up at their churches and did some training for them, sometimes utterly beknownst to them, masking some pretty horrid stuff. But I realised, and I know it sounds obvious now, that ‘we’ as youth/community workers need to look in own mirror at young peoples challenging behaviour, yes it might be as a result of a young persons trauma, but it can be triggered by our own woundedness, our own competence, or something we are doing, consciously or unconsciously.

At the same time as delivering this training. I had started Therapy. I was also reading books about manipulative behaviour, and its patterns. Many of the books said the following, echoed by the group of supportive friends I had at the time.

Only you can change, and cause those around you to change their behaviour. (or for it to be revealed)

In a youth work setting its too easy a get out of jail card to play, stating that the challenging behaviour by young people will change when they change.

the same is true for organisations and churches too.

As a youth worker I would have loved it if my local churches took youthwork seriously, funded it correctly and gave it good management. But what then? and… what was I actually doing about it at the time to encourage that to happen? This isn’t to blame myself looking back.

Blaming others, or waiting for others to change alleviates me to take any responsibility.

Responsibility that I could take to change my actions and behaviour.

Which ultimately is all I have power over to control.

Ive write about the Victim triangle before, but there’s also the Adlerian Triangle.

There is always a choice. And we have a lot more power than we think.. And it is allowed to be used, thats what I needed to learn and discover for myself. The situation can change.. but only if I change myself – and not wait for others to change.

The situation was unlikely to change if I wallow in my self pity (Poor Me)

Or blame the system, the church, the young people, their parents, education systems, anything… (The ‘bad’ guy)

I, instead had to made changes about my behaviour myself.

And it meant digging deep.

Now I get that its not always possible, if the situation hasn’t changed and you’ve ran out of options, a choice might to ‘get out’, to erect boundaries – but these are also behavioural changes you are making, for your own good, and thats a good thing, trust me. but…

Let me give you an example.

I often hear a version of the following.

Sometimes, there just doesn’t go a day when there isn’t a text or message from a (parishioner/church sub group/young person/colleague) interrupting my evening at 9pm, its non stop, and this happens on my day off too.

What might be responses to this scenario – and can you see how the ‘poor me’ / ‘the bad guy’ thing is playing out here?

The additional problem here is that of the person sharing this might actually be enjoying that they are feeling needed, valued and important at 9pm on those evenings, thats another aspect too. It may be that this attention is secretly liked, which is why its not changed, just publicly complained about. ‘look at me being available but pretending to complain’

But how could this be changed? if the person actually wanted to change.. Just change behaviour. The action of switching off the work/mobile phone at 8pm, is going to stop the messages, as it muting the chat or not responding at first. It does sound simple, in a way.

The person sending the text, soon realises that they didnt get a response, or only a ‘grey tick’ – next day at the church meeting their feelings will often be revealed… ‘I notice you didnt get my message’ or ‘ it seemed odd to me that you didnt respond when I wanted you too’.

See how the other person has to change, and/or reveals their response to the change. It is by acting that change happens.

But its amazing that when you see this pattern, its hard not to notice it in many places.

Especially when waiting for someone or something else to change… a change that will seemingly result in my betterment, ease, well being or happiness. Sadly thats not life golden ticket.

Ive sat so often in organisations and churches in which there is a deep desire to change (yes honestly), but the desire is that someone elses responsibility to the changing.

If only the congregation would change.

If only the minister would change

If only the youth worker would change

If only society would change (back to the 1960’s).

If only….

And if they did… would it make any one actually happy?

It may be crude but individuals expecting other people to change without doing anything themselves, is like the spouse of an addict waiting for the addict to change without realising their emotional crutch on something out of their control. This is Co-dependency.

I get that this might be crude, but for some belonging and identifying with a faith group or organisation can have addictive qualities, given the deep roots and sense of emotional connection. Addicted to Jesus, thats what Carman sang back in the early 1990’s and evangelical youth ministry kids like me lapped this up. So I get it. Being Obsessed by God was the cry of Delirious 10 years later.

Read Co-dependent No more by Melody Beattie to reflect on the codependent dynamic, of the ‘poor me/victim/ waiting for their addict to change.

I guess ive laboured the point now.

But I realised that only I could change. I had to. There were phone calls I made that made me vulnerable, there was power within me that I had to access, there was breaking I needed to do, and I could change. Just me, myself. And, it was hard work, very hard work.

I had to see myself different, love and value myself (at all), and become more aware.. and its been and continues to be a long long rewarding path, of self improvement, self love and compassion.

Even if it upsets people. Yes. Even if it upsets people. Its likely too, because it means that they have to change too. Our lesser availability might encourage self – reliance, in the phone call example above. Our non tolerance of something destructive might reveal behaviour.

This isn’t about changing to be demonstrative or destructive, just for clarification. It was about realising that real change starts from ourselves.

I realised, only I could change myself… and then expect others to change around me. It was all I had the power to change, and to be honest.. that in itself after many years of learned codependent behaviour from trauma.. was hard enough.

Thank you for reading, I may write a few more pieces on this blog in the next few weeks, a cross over of learning from self help into youth work and community work, do leave a comment or like below, id love your feedback on this kind of thing.