Learning from the Streets

Its a reasonable thing to say, that you were probably working with young people as a way of compensating from the broken childhood that you had

(My Therapist)

I was always aware that I had a number of people to be grateful for, for being the youth leaders, supportive adults to me during my own teenage life, and there’s no doubt that these people inspired me.

What I realised a few weeks ago, and this piece has taken a little while to write, is the extent to which not only was I being a youth worker to try and overcome the emotional deficit in my own life and childhood, but that, my youth work practice emerged from my own trauma.

What do I mean?

I mean that most of my working life and personal life was spent distracting from, running from, hiding from the emotional abuse of my past. I mean that unhealthily I didn’t deal or confront things, they felt too large, too raw, too much. Better to do, to work, to be busy, to keep trying to please, to keep trying to make others happy, to think, to give, to run.

I really hope I didnt damage anyone.

But I also know I ran from challenging situations, or places where I felt unsafe.

And I had no boundaries. I was an open door for the perpetually wounded and victim.

In other moments though, I loved the danger and uncertainty of the streets.

Regardless though, me being a youth worker stemmed from my own trauma, and in the main I managed to hide it.

I recognise that I grew up an evangelical codependent, with a traumatised scared heart.

Maybe we all carry something of a traumatic past around with us, its in our bodies after all (Kolk, 2014).

Maybe its a question we could all ask – What about our youth work practice stems from our own hurts?

Its not a question I would have wanted to.

Not sure anyone would have wanted to, to be honest.

I write this not as an expert on trauma, and probably not even an expert on myself, and thats not the point. What id like to think though, is that getting closer to the trauma, and working through trauma therapy, as a starting point has enabled me to heal. Running from it, and compensating for it, even with good intentions, was never going to heal it or heal me, or enable me to develop emotionally healthier practices.

(if you would like to read about my survival story, you can do so on my other website here: http://www.appropriateacting.wordpress.com)

What if we are honest with ourselves? I wasn’t for decades.

I just kept going, trying to fix others, and ignore the heart pain in myself.

The grown up child, that left the child behind. It wasn’t that I enjoyed the table tennis to stay a ‘child’ …though at times…

I could have fun with other children and young people, and maybe that was giving me something healing in itself.

‘I like to feel needed’ I once said.

And getting alongside young people and ‘trying to help’ them, being empathetic, compassionate, was a good thing right..?

Theres nothing wrong with that… is there.. ? Well…actually, thats called Codependancy.

I recognise now that my Youthwork was delivered and done from a place of deep wounds and trauma.

Its only now that I can see it. I wouldn’t have wanted to confront it during.

I needed to be in a safe place to do so.

I needed to see it, and want to deal with it.

What are you hiding my youth worker friend, as you read this? What are you hiding from, what’s aching deep within, thats trying to tell you something?

The breakdown might be the beginning of the onion skins peeling their way off, and the inner you, the real self starting to want to find its voice.

Youthworker, heal thyself? Thats what I had to do, thats what I’m so glad I did.

(Its definitely one reason why id advocate youth ministers and any ministers going to therapy)